Ideal Dinner Date

From Twonk Comics

Date: "What do you do?"

Me: *holds up menu* "You just choose a meal from this book of food"

Regular Gym Visitor

From Twonk Comics

Husband: I heard a rumour that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that snooty Cynthia Quinn in Number 12.

Mentally Prepared

From Loading Artist

I had a first date with a girl last night.

She arrived wearing a green jersey and big white gloves.

The moment I saw her I thought "she's a keeper".

No Means No

From Mark Lynch

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

Insects Night Out

From Andertoons

I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin . . .

. . . but I can't remember whether I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Coming Clean

From JimBenton

How come fish smell?

They spend their whole lives taking a bath.

Lucky Day

Her: So, what's your idea of a perfect date?

Me: dd/mm/yyyy; I find any other formats a bit confusing.

Winner

From Dogs on the 4th

Premature ejaculator seeks young attractive woman for fling.
Must have large voluptuous breasts, a pert cute bum, slender long legs and . . .
Oh for Pete's sake! Never mind!

Risky Date

From OffTheMark

What do we want?

An end to all organised religion.

When do we want it?

After Christmas.

World Famous Lingerie Model?

From JimBenton

So, here's some information you might not know.

Alan Price, the musician, is heavier than Vincent Price, the actor.

Whilst Vincent Price is heavier than Katie Price, the model.

And do you know how I know this?

I looked it up on a price comparison website.

Profile

From Pardon My Planet

I wondered why I was banned from dating sites for paying with Monopoly money.

It turns out that it's not legal Tinder.

Dog Date

From War and Peas

[sign outside butcher shop]: 'POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US'

Me: "Yes, I'm here about the sausage polishing job?"

Menu Choice Considerations

From JimBenton

Date: "You seem close to your mum"

Me: "I am"

Mum: "It is a small table for three"

Where Babies Come From

From Cyanide & Happiness

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby".

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

Dinner Date

From Buni Comic

I really upset my wife this morning.

As an April Fool's joke, I took all her favourite chocolates and swapped all the wrappers over.

She was livid; she really got her snickers in a twist.

Going To Restaurants

From Strange Brew

 

From Dilbert

Drink O'Clock

From James Breakwell

Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids go to school? Or does that make me a bad teacher?

When-sday

From Moderately Confused

From Liniers Cartoon

From Pearls Before Swine

Talking To Your 2019 Self

From Wrong Hands

Whoever said that one person can't change the world never ate an undercooked bat.

Palindromic Date

Today is a palindromic date in both British and American notation.