Security

From Cyanide & Happiness

I sell security alarms door to door and I'm really good at it.

If no-one is at home I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Early Risers

From OffTheMark

[in a US airport]

"You can't take nail clippers on a plane, you might hijack it"

[on a US street]

"Why do you have that machine gun?"

"Hunting"

How To Fix It

From LunarBaboon

The wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Early Start

From Liz Climo