Dream Job

From Dinos and Comics

I started my dream job today.

I get my own £200,000 company car and a corner window with a view of the city.

Being a bus driver is a dream come true.

Insignificant

From Speedbump

No man is an island.

Except Barry.

Introvert Olympics

From Toonhole Chris

If laziness was an Olympic sport.

I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

Carrot Juice

From Buni Comic

As a man is walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car.

After rushing to the hospital, the man paces the waiting room until the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery.

"Doctor, is my carrot alive, is it ok?"

The doctor sighs. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive".

The man breathes a sigh of relief. "What's the bad news doctor?"

The doctor looks him in the eyes and says, "Well I'm sorry but it's going be a vegetable for the rest of its life."

The Pelican Briefing

From Ellis Rosen

My local cinema lost almost £1000 in a smash and grab raid yesterday.

The thieves got away with two cartons of popcorn, two large Cokes and a packet of Skittles!

William Tell v René Magritte

From Liniers Cartoon

Rise and Shine

From Loading Artist

When I was a kid, my mother told me to put a clean pair of socks on each day.

By the time I got to Saturday I couldn't get my shoes on!

How To Attend A Concert

From Wumo

I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

Beach Bodies

From OffTheMark

I can't believe that the morning has disappeared already and I've hardly got anything done.

All because Facebook was down so I had to phone 42 of my friends to find out what they had for breakfast.

Local Map

From Andertoons

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I've just been to my local hospital and, whilst I was parking, I saw a sign saying "Thieves Operate Here".

Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons? 

Just Like Gladys

From Leigh Rubin

I said to my mate, "Did you know that 75% of men stick their fingers up their bum whilst in the shower? Do you know what the other 25% do?"

He said, "No, what?"

I said, "You dirty bastard!"

World's Best Croissant

From Junk Drawer

A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery: Croissant €1. Handjob €5

He enters the shop and sees a gorgeous young lady behind the counter.

He asks her: "Mademoiselle, are you the one that delivers the handjobs?"

Very shy, the girl looks down, blushes and replies with a giggle: "O-Oui monsieur, I am the one that gives the handjobs".

The Frenchman immediately puts €5 on the counter and says: "In that case wash your hands well, because I want 5 croissants"

People With French Accents

From World of Moose

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" after swearing.

I'll never forget my first French lesson at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

Life Cycle

From Barely Baked Beans

For a survey I asked people what soap they use in the shower.

90% of them told me to get out.

Climate Change - Pros and Cons

From War and Peas

Doctor: You've been bitten by a radioactive shark

Me: So I'm going to get shark powers right

Doctor: you no longer have legs

Me: Just like a shark.

Mandelawn

From Owen Comics

People say the grass is always greener on the other side so I turned my lawn upside down and now it's just brown.

Cat Funeral

From Half-Full

My girlfriend's cat died so I bought her another one just like it.

She was furious.

"What am I going to do with two dead cats?"

Disappointment

From The Jenkins

I bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket yesterday.

First thing this morning I sprayed it all over myself.

I'm very disappointed; I still can't fly.

Without Pyjamas

From Mark Lynch

Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?

It's true; for example, when was the last time you ate a monkey.

How To Vote

Put Down

From Joseph Nowak

The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

The Life Of Worms

From JimBenton

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise, why would we call ours "Earth" worms?

Reminder

My New Year's Resolution was to lose 10 pounds by the end of January.

Only 13 to go now.