What Flavour

From Loading Artist

Harmony

From Bird and Moon

If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's . . .

. . . that it's okay to lie about your age.

Interruptions

From Dilbert

From Dilbert

Have you seen that old boy collecting trollies at Tesco?

He must be pushing seventy odd.

How To Age The Elderly

From Loose Parts

I just spilt stain remover on my trousers.

How do I get that out?

First And Foremost A Gentleman

From Wumo

Ever since I became an archaeologist . . .

. . . my career has been in ruins.

Rock Of Ages

From The Other Coast

When I was a child my parents played Madness and The Specials all day every day.

It was horrendous.

They Ska'd me for life.

7 According To The Grimms

From smbc

I had to choose an 8 character password...

So I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Age Old Concern

From Andertoons

SEX AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

So, it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street, I don't even have to cross the road!

Deadline

From Sunny Street

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family last night.

I said, "This is my dad, Roger, and this is my twin brother, Dave".

She smiled and said, "Nice to meet you, who's the oldest?"

I said "My dad".

Older And Wiser

From Speedbump

Cohort v Age

From smbc

Cute

From Dogs on the 4th

Augmented Reality

From smbc

Fountain Of Youth

Younger Model

From Buni Comic

The New Five

 

From Bizarro

It's Just So True

​

Tom The Dancing Bug

Stopping Worrying

 

From JimBenton

 

Feeling Old?

 

From xkcd

 

Further Gary Delaney Jokes

My new boss told me he expects me to be on call 24/7 but I don't really mind as July 24th is ages away.

 

My nose was all clogged up this morning, so I gave it a really good blow and two wooden shoes popped out.

 

Grandad died when he was 62 turnips and 3 lollipops old. It's no age really is it?

 

I like induction as much as the next man.

 

I bumped into the man who invented selfies the other day, his face was a picture.

 

I lost my favourite biro, turned out it had climbed out the window, on the roof & jumped to another building. Last time I buy a Parkour pen.

 

Disappointed to find this so called 'English breakfast tea' doesn't have any sausage or bacon in it.

 

Delighted to hear my clever Scouse cousin's exam results today. He got 3A's and a 'Calm down, calm down'.

 

The hardest thing for medieval knights about wearing chainmail was they had to persuade 8 more knights to wear chainmail, and they had to...

 

The plural of 'irregular plural' is 'irregular plurals', which seems like a wasted opportunity.

 

One time my auntie Pat got together with a bloke called Pat, and they mutually annihilated each other.

 

There's less pedant's than their used to be.

 

Just seen a zebra trying to use a self-service till. That's not going to end well.

 

Statisticians can pretend to be nice in the short term but in the long run they always revert to mean.

 

Me: I now declare this bomb disposal school open *cuts red ribbon with giant scissors* Instructor: No, I said blue ribbon, BLUE!!' KABOOM!!

 

Once upon a time my girlfriend used to give me 'sex cheques' but of course nowadays it's all contactless.

 

A good ventriloquist's work speaks for itself.

 

'I would walk 500 miles, having checked with my doctor first and made sure I was wearing appropriate footwear' - The Disclaimers.

 

If you write '58008' on an iPad and turn it upside down, it says '58008'. And they call that progress.

 

A cure for premature ejaculation just can't come soon enough.

 

An estate agent showed me a lovely little semi this afternoon, that's the last time I go into a show home toilet without knocking.

 

Just seen a woman expressing milk, now that's what I call interpretive dance.