Moan

From Jonesy

Why don’t owls like it when it rains?

Because it’s too wet to woo.

Camouflage

From Ben Chen

Whenever anyone at the gym asks if I can spot them, I always reply 'Who said that?'  

Assessment

From JimBenton

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act.

He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honour," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. However, before I let you go, I'm going to ask you to do one thing."

"Anything, Your Honour," the hunter replies. "What is it?"

The judge says, "It's been illegal to kill a protected species for many years, so very few people have ever eaten a bald eagle. For the record, can you please tell everyone what a bald eagle tastes like?"

The hunter thinks for a moment and then replies, "It tastes pretty good. Kind of like a cross between a spotted owl and a condor."

Parts Of A Great Horned Owl

From Wrong Hands

The Tooth Fairy is a great way to introduce your kids to the concept that there's a clandestine but lucrative market for human body parts.

Crush

From Bird and Moon

I found a badly injured owl so I tried to put it out of its misery. It took me almost three hours to wring its neck.

PunFest

1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.

6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.

8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.

10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.

11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore

13. Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band. I stand at the back and ting.

14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

17. I used to have a problem where I couldn't stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I'm over it now. Happy Days.

18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.

Ten pin?

No, permanent.

19. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.

20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.

21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.

22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down

26. Dad: I've just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.

Mum: Is it common?

Dad: It's Not Unusual

27. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.

Tripping

What's great about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. I laughed more than I thought.

Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend that she'd drawn her eyebrows on to high.  She seemed surprised.

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.