Virtual Spy

From Reality Check

Our WiFi went down last night and all the kids came running out of their rooms.

Blimey, they haven't half grown!

11 Delaneys

A palindromedary camel has the same number of humps going backwards or forwards.

More Americans are killed in shootings than by fire and that's because if you shout "fire" in America someone will shoot you.

 

I love looking at things through a magnifying glass to see what they're made of, for example not many people know this but ants are actually made of fire.  

 

I got bit by a donkey once.

It was on holiday in Spain.

Who even knew donkeys had holidays?

 

Password tip for married men.

Use something you did wrong as that way your wife will never let you forget it.

 

My robot friend always wondered why his family ran on DC current but he ran on AC, until one day he found out he was adapted.

 

My Grandad was a famous spy in World War Two, which is how he got caught.

 

I saw a sign in Specsavers saying children should not be left without supervision. If they had that they wouldn't be in Specsavers.

 

One time I burped in front of the Queen which is a crime but it's OK as she gave me a pardon.

 

I'm not saying I'm accident prone but I just got a paper cut from a risk assessment form.

 

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.

Us and Them

From Wrong Hands

I bet Rick Astley really struggles with Lent.

Trailblazer

Don't worry about your tv and your phone spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Future Tech Market

From 9to5

Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Three.

     One to change the bulb.

     One to sing about how good the old bulb used to be.

     And one to complain that the new bulb has gone electric.

Rookie Mistake

From The Jenkins

What's James Bond known as when he goes abroad?

+44 007