Supercop

From Bizarro

I was in Tesco and saw a bloke from Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes.

I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious.

But when the police arrived, they arrested me instead of him...

Apparently, they use actors on the show!

Happy Encounter

From The Argyle Sweater

Why did the Penguin open his umbrella at Batman's family reunion?

Because it was a Wayne-y day.

Batman

From Liniers Cartoon

Robin: "Batman, why do you wear dark colours?"

Batman: "Because Robin, it makes me less likely to be shot"

Robin: "Then why do I wear bright colours?"

Batman: "Because Robin, it makes me less likely to be shot"

Quick Nonet

The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.

When I was a kid my English teacher looked in my direction and said, "Name two pronouns".

I said, "who, me?"

Why can't you trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

Your mother is so classless she could be a Marxist utopia.

There's a band called 1023MB.

They haven't got any gigs yet.

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman.

René Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him if he wants a drink.
"I think not", he replies, and disappears.

The first rule of Alzheimer’s club – don’t talk about chess club.

Niche

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.

 

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus…. “You mean a Martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

 

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? … Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

 

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.

 

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?… He’s 0K now.

 

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and go seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He sees Newton immediately and exclaims, ”Newton! I found you! You’re it!”  Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

 

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. … After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.”

 

There are two types of people in this world:… those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

 

The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant. … Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

 

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”… The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says, “Yes!”

 

I’m thinking about selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years.

 

What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?… Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

 

Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

 

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says “Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?” Heisenberg says, “No, but I knew where I was.”

 

Lies

From LunarBaboon

Emergency Beacon

Getting Behind With Work

More Realistic Superheros