Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Showing posts with label cyanide and happiness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cyanide and happiness. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 October 2025
Tuesday, 9 September 2025
Thursday, 7 August 2025
Head Support
After her son turned 10 years old his mother started to think that he looked a little strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not hers.
She told her husband what she had discovered.
Her husband replied, "Ah, you don't remember do you?
When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped into its nappy and you told me to go and change him.
So, l went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there".
The wife fainted.
Monday, 7 July 2025
Friday, 30 May 2025
Security
I sell security alarms door to door and I'm really good at it.
If no-one is at home I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Wednesday, 29 January 2025
Talking To Parents
I always loved my mum's parents, Pearl and Dean.
Of course, I knew them as Granny and Grandpapa-p'pa-p'pa-p'pa-pahpahpah.
Thursday, 14 November 2024
Gotto Do The Admin
I'm not bothered that it takes so long to get an appointment to see my doctor.
Because, it gives me more time to save up for the prescription.
Friday, 20 September 2024
Today's Special
I just placed an order at my local Chinese takeaway.
I'm going to try the sweet and sour badger with the special fried badger cubs.
It's a sett meal for one.
Friday, 17 May 2024
Horsing Around
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh, how the stables have turned.
Tuesday, 7 November 2023
Miss-ile
I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy a souvenir from London and then find it was made in China.
Tuesday, 3 October 2023
Competitive Orgy
I feel a bit overdressed at this premature ejaculation support group.
I've worn jeans and a shirt, everyone else has come in their pants.
Monday, 28 August 2023
Aeroplane
I've designed an aeroplane made entirely from rubber, so if it crashed, it would bounce.
It's a boing 747
Friday, 24 February 2023
Monday, 16 January 2023
End Of The Sentence
Cumin, coriander, cardamom, and turmeric – spices needed to make an Oxford Korma.
Friday, 2 December 2022
And Then There's Champagne
I asked 100 women what their favourite shampoo was.
The top response was...
"What are you doing in my bathroom?"
Friday, 28 October 2022
Climate Change Activists
How well did Jackson Pollock do in art class?
He passed it with flying colours.
Monday, 8 August 2022
Unnatural
A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens were greeted by the pope.
Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Universe visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and we've been awaiting his return to us for around 2000 years.
Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, always in white clothes and is in his mid-thirties? Sure, we know this guy, he's a great guy! Whenever he visits us, he cures our sick, turns some water into wine, shows us his walking‑on‑water‑trick and then we throw a great party and serve him the choicest delicacies we have available. He pops by every 2 years or so. Anyway, you've been waiting for 2000 years you say; what is it you guys did to him?
Wednesday, 8 June 2022
Monday, 4 April 2022
Behind Your Ear
Working at the Job Centre has to be a tense job
- knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
Friday, 4 February 2022
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