Larry's Pack

From Joseph Nowak

Why do all astronauts use a mac?

Because it's dangerous to open windows in space.

Put Down

From Joseph Nowak

The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members.

I've already put myself down.

Seeing The Light

From Joseph Nowak

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Dung Pile Talk

From Joseph Nowak

Our budgerigar got out of its cage a couple of months ago and had sex with our dog.

If anyone is interested, we have a basket of puppies going cheep.

Flying Saucer Arrival

From Joseph Nowak

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector earlier today.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!

Use The Right Product For The Job

From Joseph Nowak

I'm convinced that my wife is sabotaging my weapons collection with glue.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Bathtime

From Joseph Nowak

Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

Totem Pole Artist

From Joseph Nowak

I bought some of those flavoured condoms the other day.

I said to my wife, "Let's play a game. I'll put one on and you have to try and guess what flavour it is."

So, she went underneath the duvet and after a moment or two she said, "Cheese and onion?"

I said, "For goodness sake, woman, give me a chance to get the damn thing on."