Suicidal Thoughts

From AThirdThing

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”.

“Oh, that’ll be the side effects”

ROFLMB

From JimBenton

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning.

“Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled.

“Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

Intimate Examination

From Slipshod Squiggles

I walked into a fertility clinic.

The nurse said, "I can already tell what your problem is."

I said, "How?"

She said, "That was the back door".

End Of Life

From Buni Comic

I’m sad to report my nan’s clothes horse has broken beyond repair after 60 years.

It's the end of an airer!

Disappointing News

From Twonk Comics

After spending 20 minutes trying to get the wife’s bra off, I’ve given up.

I wish that I’d never put it on now.

Shell Shock

From Speedbump

The maternity ward at the hospital . . .

. . . should really be called the emerge-ncy room.

It's Alive

From Buttersafe

Most people think Frankenstein is the name of the monster.

But, it's not.

It's the name of the book.

Strict Doctor

If you boil a funny bone, you get a laughing stock.

And that's humerus.

Caring Doctor Boa

From War and Peas

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Plant Hospital

From Rhymes With Orange

I confused my Scottish GP today . . .

. . . by telling him I had knee problems.

Bikini Body

From War and Peas

My doctor says I should think about getting my stomach stapled.

It's great that at my age he still believes I could be a centrefold.

Test On Thursday

From The Jenkins

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results.

The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"The good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"The bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."

Preserving Language

From smbc

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

Laser Eye Surgery

From OffTheMark

I said to my doctor "I've got a problem with one of my ears".

He said "Are you sure?"

I said "Yes, I'm definite".

Good News, Bad News

From JimBenton

Why did the archaeopteryx get the worm?

Because it was an early bird.

I'm The One On The Right

From Chaz Hutton

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

Loyalty Data

From xkcd

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket."

"How long have you felt like this?"

"Ever since I was Lidl!"

Communal Lift

From Chucklebros

I asked the doctor for something to treat my thrush.

He gave me a bag of mealworms.

Wordle Obsession

From Tom Gauld

I went to the doctor today because I was depressed as I kept finishing crosswords too quickly.

He told me not to get 2 down!

Steps

From Moderately Confused

Doctor: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Doctor: Yes

Me: No