Christmas 2035

I seem to be addicted to cold turkey.

Does anyone know how I can stop?

Introduction

From Jonesy

After every Christmas I get so addicted to eating cold turkey that when it runs out I get withdrawal symptoms.

Seeing The Light

From Joseph Nowak

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

Pool Shark

From Loading Artist

I used to be addicted to swimming.

But, I'm very proud to say that I've been dry for six years.

Time To Relax

From Will McPhail

I've got a glass of water by the side of my bed. I can't wait to sink my teeth into it.

Another Helping Of Gary Delaney

I think my motto would be 'Je ne regrette rien, although I don't know what that means as I mucked about in French lessons, and I wish I hadn't now.

 

My 13 year old nephew's already started taking heroin. It's amazing isn't it? They shoot up so fast these days.

 

One time I almost had a threesome with my girlfriend and my best friend. The only thing that stopped it happening was that they didn't invite me.

 

We called our fourth child Ivy, because we ran out of names and started using roman numerals.

 

I've just seen an actor tread on a centipede. I bet he's going to have a great show.

 

Just sat my A levels again naked. Living the dream!

 

"I rang you but I couldn't get through"

"What number did you call me on?"

"X, IV, X, C, I, III, L, M, X, VII"

"Sorry, that's an old number"

 

My Mum doesn't trust my Dad's secretary. I asked her why, and she just said 'I've seen her type before'

 

My girlfriend's a cat person. She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray and disappears for days at a time.

 

I've just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. I hope he likes them.

 

I asked my vet, "What can I do? I think my dog's racist. He keeps barking at the Asian man nest door.", The vet said, "muzzle him". I replied, "I don't know, but he's got a beard".

 

One night I wished a diabetic friend sweet dreams and they ended up in a coma.

 

When my girlfriend suggested we play 'Doctors and Nurses' I was hoping for something sexier than just being left in a corridor for two days.

 

People have told me that a salt and pepper beard looks good on me, but I'm not very good at accepting condiments.

 

The word Legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to prove you're the rightful king, to unexpectedly returning with crisps

 

I met a man who reminded me of my Dad: he came up to me and said 'Don't forget your Dad'.

 

When I rang up Gamblers Anonymous for help with my fruit machine addiction they asked if I wanted to hold.

Addiction

From Buni Comic

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

A Day In The Countryside

From Bogart Creek

Dealing With Addiction

 

 

Just Can't Resist It