A guy is picking up his kids at school when he sees another kid and says loudly, "oh wow, what an ugly kid!"
The person standing next to him says, "careful mister, he's my son."
The guy, feeling pretty embarrassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father."
"I'm not", the other parent replies, "I'm his mum."
I just bought two pints of milk from Aldi.
It was an impulse buy.
I only went in for a trombone, a wet suit and an angle grinder.
On Christmas Eve last year I told my wife I was popping to the shops.
She said, "While you're there, can you get some fairy liquid, detergent and some dishwasher tablets.
I said, "Can't you wait till tomorrow when you open your presents?"
I managed to get all my Christmas shopping done this morning.
I hope that everyone likes Halloween costumes.
I went to the shop the other day to buy half a dozen cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised that I'd picked 7 up.
I've been paying £3 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year.
I missed the payment last week and they've just been round and broken my cat's legs.
A husband in the shower calls to his wife, "I can't find the shampoo, where is it?"
His wife replies, "It's next to the conditioner on the shelf."
The husband shouts back, "That one's no good, it says on the bottle that it's for dry hair, and I've got mine wet."
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a kilometre away.
That seems a bit far‑fetched to me.
[shopping]
Girlfriend: "Babe, I really love these shoes but I left my purse at home"
Me: "How much are they?"
Girlfriend: "£750"
Me: *opens wallet*
Girlfriend: [excited]
Me: "Here's £10. Get a taxi and go and fetch your purse. I'll wait for you here".
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the shop.
They gave me another one free of charge.
I was shopping in Tesco the other day and there was a weird looking child running around the place like a lunatic.
So, I said to the bloke standing next to me, "Whoa. That is one ugly kid running around."
He looked at me and snarled, "That is my son."
I baulked and said, "Sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were his dad."
He said, "I'm not. I'm his mother."
