The Cycle

From Remi Lascault

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He needed a poo.

Protection Racket

From Will McPhail

I Saw a Huge Seagull Today

It was big enough to be a D Gull.

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle.

Head Support

From Cyanide & Happiness

After her son turned 10 years old his mother started to think that he looked a little strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not hers.

She told her husband what she had discovered.

Her husband replied, "Ah, you don't remember do you?

When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped into its nappy and you told me to go and change him.

So, l went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there".

The wife fainted.

Protection Racket

From Bound and Gagged

The man who invented the throat lozenge has passed away...

There was no coffin at the funeral.

Treats

From JimBenton

Customer: I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.

Me: Sorry, we only take cash.

Manager: Can I talk to you?

When Dogs Get Carried Away

From Bliss

I just asked the lady in the newsagents for a Double Decker.

She disappeared for ages.

Then she brought me three.

Pigeon Poop

From Sunny Street

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term 'One Hit Wonder' came up with any other phrases?

Fly Food

From Scribbly G

It's true, you know, Foster's lager really does taste like piss.

At least, the half-full can I found in the park this morning did.

You've Got To Have A Plan

From Buni Comic

I booked a flight with Ryanair.

They said, '£100 for a seat on an aisle or £10 for by the window',

I said, 'By the window please'.

They said, 'For an extra £100 would you like to make that inside the plane?'

You're Gonna Walk

From JimBenton

I could never own a dog.

I gag enough when I have to pick up my own pooh in the park.

Poop Technique

Husband: "I've cleaned the bathroom."

Wife: "Aw, thanks babe."

Husband: "Remind me why we keep the toilet brush in the shower?"

Wife: "What?"

Husband: "The toilet brush. Why do we keep it in the shower?"

Wife: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Husband: "That Shredded Wheat thing."

Wife: "MY LOOFAH?"

Husband: "What? You're telling me you named the damn toilet brush?"

Another Poop

From Scribbly G