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From Faceless

How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?

A Further Course Of Gary Delaney

I was never a fan of being an organ donor, but then I had a change of heart.

 

The hardest part of a traditional Greek divorce is gluing all the plates back together.

 

When I heard the ferry carrying the transplant organs had capsized my heart sank.

 

Dolphins who die without any money are given a porpoise funeral.

 

My house is haunted by the ghost of Britain's first ever dental hygienist.  English Heritage keep putting up plaques in her honour, and then every six months she removes them.

 

My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a ph; and that's because he's slightly acidic.

 

If you think kale and Açai berries are superfoods then you're going to lose your shit when you try ice cream.

 

Sure everyone cares about straws killing dolphins now, but they've been breaking camels' backs for years.

 

My older brother once threatened to fart on my head, but I didn't expect him to follow through.

 

I've a friend whose surname is Death, although technically it's pronounced Deàth, as it has a grave accent.

 

Opening up Google and forgetting what you wanted to look up is the new walking into a room and forgetting what you went in for.

 

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas, the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

 

I think Tom Cruise could have made a lot more films if he wasn't constantly getting caricatures of his face done in Leicester Square.

 

First, they came for the mimes, and I said nothing because I was a mime.

 

When they buried the man who invented Tetris the whole cemetery disappeared.

 

One time I persuaded my kid brother to swallow a torch. It was worth it just to see his little face light up.

 

According to the vet my cat's in heat. I didn't even know she was famous.

 

I'm not saying I'm unlucky but when I went to DFS to buy a sofa, the sale had finished.

 

There was an old man,

from Limerick who wanted,

to be a haiku.

Inattentive

From Faceless

It's Always The Last Place You Look

From Faceless

Separation

 

From TheArgyleSweater

One Track Mind

The room was full of pregnant women, with their husbands.
 
The instructor said:
 
"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
 
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both"
 
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
 
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
 
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
 
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
 
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?   This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

-------------

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks.
"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing.  Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't!"

Mass Mailing

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's Day; he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying perfume over the envelopes.
By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so he asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Mike.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

Divorce Lawyers