He Could Have Ordered String

From OffTheMark

I ordered a mail-order bride.

Unfortunately, I was out when she was delivered.

So, now she's married to my neighbour.

While You Were Sleeping

From Reality Check

A Traditional Family Christmas

It wasn't until that first Christmas with your family
that I realised how we all do it differently,
how every family forges its own traditions, as bright
and distinct as any giant, shining star.

The way you laid out coal sacks instead of stockings;
the recital of a limerick before the opening of each present,
Christopher Lee's heavy metal Christmas album
playing quietly in the background; the pre-breakfast snorkel;

the Dance of the Seven Baubles; the festive epaulettes;
lunch with its ptarmigan fritters in milk sauce,
the suet potatoes, and the sweet and sour popcorn;
the replenishing of glasses with red turkey wine;

sprout-rolling in the park; the posting of a tinsel stick
through Mr Jennings' letterbox; and back for an evening of TV
(some classic episodes of Panorama) and games
(Hoist the Pickle, No Elbows Please!, Speculum) then bed.

The following year you came to my family for Christmas.
You said later that it was weird.

From Brian Bilston

Food Delivery

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I called my wife and told her that I'll pick up Pizza and Coke on the way back from work.

But it seems she was not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the kids.

Yay, Pizza

From Dilbert

I always get my pizza delivered.

I don't understand why they're putting liver on pizza in the first place.

Cat Lady

From Reality Check

I'm waiting for some Elvis memorabilia to be delivered, but it's been held up in the depot (in the depoooooot).

Knock Knock Jokes For Cats

From OffTheMark

I just had a delivery guy from DPD knock on my door.

He said "I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour".

I said "You've got the wrong house then mate".

Fast Service

From Rhymes With Orange

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a kilometre away.

That seems a bit far‑fetched to me.

Hot Steaming Pizza

From Loading Artist

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night.

I should have cooked it on aloha setting.

Even More Gary Delaney Quotes

I took some lovely pictures at the art gallery today, so if anybody wants to buy a slightly dented Picasso...

 

I've just wiped my bottom, luckily it was backed up earlier.

 

I told my girlfriend we're not going to an eighties fancy dress party, but she remains adamant.

 

When I was mysteriously rejected for a job as a courier I took it very badly.

 

You can tell when you get to Spaghetti Junction because there's a great big fork in the road.

 

Hosted a pub quiz to raise money for research into undiagnosed heart problems. Everything was going really well 'til the sudden death round.

 

There are two types of people, people who get the job done and

 

This new rowing machine really works! We're already bickering  over how much it cost and how long until it gets shoved in the loft.

 

Yodel - Piercing high-pitched wail, usually emitted by someone who's waited in all day for a delivery that didn't arrive.

 

I once went on  an 18-30 holiday but 12 years was just too long.

 

Just watched Edward Scissorhands, I thought it was better than Edward Paperhands but not as good as Edward Stonehands.

 

I tried a bit of nude painting today, it went really well, and now everyone says my front door looks lovely.

 

I've just asked the man from Del Monte who his favourite prog rock band is.

 

Words can't express how good I think my creative writing tutor is.

Special Delivery

 

From TheArgyleSweater

 

Delivery

From Bizarro

 

Maternity Ward

From Teddy Tietz

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