I'm The One On The Right

From Chaz Hutton

Me: Doctor, I've been having trouble with my memory, I keep forgetting things

Doctor: Okay, how long has this been going on for?

Me: How long's what been going on for?

The Story Of My Life

From Loading Artist

Does anyone remember the name of the big bird in Sesame Street?

Brexit

From Jonesy

How much space did Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB

Monopoly 2024 Edition

From Private Eye

Last week I walked through the street, in one of my old neighbourhoods, where the houses are numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down Memory Lane.

Never Forget

From Charlie Hankin

My wife never forgets anything I say that upsets her.

Over five years ago I mentioned in passing that she was getting fat, and she still remembers it to this day.

She's like an elephant.

What's Your Memory Like?

From Liniers Cartoon

A week of national rail strikes begins today.

Train shortages, cancellations and travel chaos are expected to be unaffected.

Christmas From A Dog's Perspective

 From JimBenton

The kids keep laughing about my memory.

They won't be laughing at Christmas when there are no eggs under the tree.

Avoidance

From Rhymes With Orange

I have the memory of an elephant.

I remember, this one time, I saw an elephant.

House On Fire

From B Kliban

Top Tip:

To pay a homeopath, soak a fiver in a bucket of water and pay with a vial of that water containing a memory of money.

Amnesia Support Group Meeting

From Bound and Gagged

I'm still a member of Constipation Club, even though I haven't been for ages.

A Dozen Delaneys

I bet the Queen was disappointed to watch 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest', and find it wasn't about the time she flew over a cuckoo's nest.

 

Not a lot people know this about 50 Cent, but he used to be one half of Dollar.

 

The Tower of Pisa is probably the most famous listed building.

 

I went on a course to learn how to complain properly, and it was so good, I got my money back.

 

I was named after my dad, and that's because I'm a lot younger than him.

 

I used to be a mobile hairdresser but that didn't work out, as not enough people had hairy phones.

 

As a child I worked in hurricane prevention, well I say that, I pulled the wings off butterflies.

 

I've just completed the couch to 5K app, now what am I supposed to do with 5000 couches?

 

I accidentally used a volume maximising shampoo, and now my hair's too noisy.

 

My nose was all clogged up this morning, so I gave it a really good blow, and two wooden shoes popped out.

 

I was actually Birmingham Memory Man of the Year, back in 1980-something.

 

There's two typos of people in the world, those who always notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.

Bad At Names

From xkcd

My wife left me because I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Everyday Activity

From Dinos and Comics

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.

I told her it was because I thought Mark Zuckerberg might be listening.

She laughed.

I laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed.

Medicine Instructions

My doctor: "You have a disease that causes memory loss"

Me: "Is it contagious?"

My doctor: "Is what contagious?"

Forgetiachi

From Rhymes With Orange

I just took that new pill that completely erases short term memory. What was I thinking?

From Mark Lynch

Regifting

From OffTheMark

Ignorance Is Bliss

From Bliss

Do not let supermarket staff take your temperature by scanning your forehead, it actually erases your memory. I went in to Tesco's for lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber and instead came out with chocolate and wine.

Back To The Office

From Real Life Adventures

A Helping Of Gary Delaney

The other day I was telling my therapist about how I always seem to misjudge situations, and he said to me "Are you going to buy that couch or not?"

I saw someone jump off a tall building today, and it all happened so fast, I barely had time to get my phone out.

I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov, thinking "Those stupid dogs!" Then the bell went and we all had lunch.

One time an old Gypsy woman asked if I wanted my fortune read and I said 'No, because you shouldn't have to ask me that question'.

The other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Well, voyeur is the actual word she used.

This morning I made a Belgian waffle. This afternoon I made a Frenchman talk gibberish.

I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

I was in a fancy lingerie shop; I said, "are these knickers satin?"!  He said, "No, they're new".

It's been a tough week. I got myself a memory foam mattress and now it's trying to blackmail me.

I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time she's going to scream and run out of the park.

I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a man's arm.

Whenever I see a respected actor in panto I always like to shout 'It's beneath you!'

My girlfriend says I'm too suspicious. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

One time I was in the cinema buying a ticket for Final Destination when I had a premonition it was going to be rubbish. So, I bought a ticket to see another film instead, but then the projectionist accidentally loaded the wrong film, so I ended up watching Final Destination anyway.

It's ironic that to claim disability benefit you have to jump through a lot of hoops.

Duck billed platypus, platypus paid duck.

One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.

A friend of ours loved dancing but was always too broke to come out with us, so one night we all clubbed together, and left him at home.

Only Elephants❤

From Scott Metzger