Test On Thursday

From The Jenkins

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results.

The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"The good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"The bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."

Super Optician

From Loose Parts

What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?

You get adult super vision.

2024 Is Upon Us

From Bound and Gagged

2024 is the year I finally get to live my dreams.

So, I've booked myself in to re-sit my A levels naked.

Start The Month With Some Delaneys

I recently took my naval exams. I got seven Cs.

 

To a pearl the world is their oyster.

 

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.

 

One time I took a sleeper train, but it got activated and I woke up in Moscow.

 

One time I was lucky enough to see Fats Domino in concert, unfortunately he fell over, and then the rest of his band fell over too.

 

I recently took my apiary exams. I got a B.

 

I can't believe today is national premature ejaculation day already. It comes quicker every year.

 

Needless speech marks are bad enough, but unnecessary apostrophes are grocer.

 

I just tried to use the Turing Test website but I couldn't get past the I'm Not a Robot screen.

 

I'm not saying I was a geeky at school, but I once turned a picture of a topless woman upside down to see if it said 58008.

 

Statisticians seem nice at first but in the end they always revert to mean. 

 

I went for a job with EasyJet. They said where do you see yourself in 5 years time? I said 50 miles away from where I claimed I was going, and they gave me the job.

 

Boxing gloves don't have fingers so they should really be called boxing mittens.

 

They say every cigarette takes 11 minutes off your life, and it's true. When I started smoking I was 84.

Another Helping Of Gary Delaney

I think my motto would be 'Je ne regrette rien, although I don't know what that means as I mucked about in French lessons, and I wish I hadn't now.

 

My 13 year old nephew's already started taking heroin. It's amazing isn't it? They shoot up so fast these days.

 

One time I almost had a threesome with my girlfriend and my best friend. The only thing that stopped it happening was that they didn't invite me.

 

We called our fourth child Ivy, because we ran out of names and started using roman numerals.

 

I've just seen an actor tread on a centipede. I bet he's going to have a great show.

 

Just sat my A levels again naked. Living the dream!

 

"I rang you but I couldn't get through"

"What number did you call me on?"

"X, IV, X, C, I, III, L, M, X, VII"

"Sorry, that's an old number"

 

My Mum doesn't trust my Dad's secretary. I asked her why, and she just said 'I've seen her type before'

 

My girlfriend's a cat person. She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray and disappears for days at a time.

 

I've just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. I hope he likes them.

 

I asked my vet, "What can I do? I think my dog's racist. He keeps barking at the Asian man nest door.", The vet said, "muzzle him". I replied, "I don't know, but he's got a beard".

 

One night I wished a diabetic friend sweet dreams and they ended up in a coma.

 

When my girlfriend suggested we play 'Doctors and Nurses' I was hoping for something sexier than just being left in a corridor for two days.

 

People have told me that a salt and pepper beard looks good on me, but I'm not very good at accepting condiments.

 

The word Legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to prove you're the rightful king, to unexpectedly returning with crisps

 

I met a man who reminded me of my Dad: he came up to me and said 'Don't forget your Dad'.

 

When I rang up Gamblers Anonymous for help with my fruit machine addiction they asked if I wanted to hold.

Further Gary Delaney Jokes

My new boss told me he expects me to be on call 24/7 but I don't really mind as July 24th is ages away.

 

My nose was all clogged up this morning, so I gave it a really good blow and two wooden shoes popped out.

 

Grandad died when he was 62 turnips and 3 lollipops old. It's no age really is it?

 

I like induction as much as the next man.

 

I bumped into the man who invented selfies the other day, his face was a picture.

 

I lost my favourite biro, turned out it had climbed out the window, on the roof & jumped to another building. Last time I buy a Parkour pen.

 

Disappointed to find this so called 'English breakfast tea' doesn't have any sausage or bacon in it.

 

Delighted to hear my clever Scouse cousin's exam results today. He got 3A's and a 'Calm down, calm down'.

 

The hardest thing for medieval knights about wearing chainmail was they had to persuade 8 more knights to wear chainmail, and they had to...

 

The plural of 'irregular plural' is 'irregular plurals', which seems like a wasted opportunity.

 

One time my auntie Pat got together with a bloke called Pat, and they mutually annihilated each other.

 

There's less pedant's than their used to be.

 

Just seen a zebra trying to use a self-service till. That's not going to end well.

 

Statisticians can pretend to be nice in the short term but in the long run they always revert to mean.

 

Me: I now declare this bomb disposal school open *cuts red ribbon with giant scissors* Instructor: No, I said blue ribbon, BLUE!!' KABOOM!!

 

Once upon a time my girlfriend used to give me 'sex cheques' but of course nowadays it's all contactless.

 

A good ventriloquist's work speaks for itself.

 

'I would walk 500 miles, having checked with my doctor first and made sure I was wearing appropriate footwear' - The Disclaimers.

 

If you write '58008' on an iPad and turn it upside down, it says '58008'. And they call that progress.

 

A cure for premature ejaculation just can't come soon enough.

 

An estate agent showed me a lovely little semi this afternoon, that's the last time I go into a show home toilet without knocking.

 

Just seen a woman expressing milk, now that's what I call interpretive dance.