Decision Making

From Loose Parts

I bought a self-assembly bookcase but it didn't work so I had to make it myself.

World's Best Croissant

From Junk Drawer

A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery: Croissant €1. Handjob €5

He enters the shop and sees a gorgeous young lady behind the counter.

He asks her: "Mademoiselle, are you the one that delivers the handjobs?"

Very shy, the girl looks down, blushes and replies with a giggle: "O-Oui monsieur, I am the one that gives the handjobs".

The Frenchman immediately puts €5 on the counter and says: "In that case wash your hands well, because I want 5 croissants"

Sharp Sales Practice

From Bizarro

I asked a German student if he knew the square root of 81.

He said no.

Targeted Book

From Pardon My Planet

A guy walks into a bookshop.

Guy: "I'd like to buy a book by Dickens."

Shop Assistant: "Certainly sir, which one?"

Guy: "Charles."

Hammy's Grocery

From Rhymes With Orange

I went to the shop the other day to buy half a dozen cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised that I'd picked 7 up.

Special Show

From Speedbump

I can't believe that there are still 7 weeks until pancake day and already the shops are selling bread and flour.

Shopping Shame

From OffTheMark 

I've been paying £3 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year.

I missed the payment last week and they've just been round and broken my cat's legs.

Treats

From JimBenton

Customer: I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.

Me: Sorry, we only take cash.

Manager: Can I talk to you?

Even More Gary Delaney Jokes

I saw four armed police officers at the airport this morning. How ridiculous! Where do they get uniforms that fit?

 

I learned about this great diet from a Saudi Arabian cannibal. It's so easy. You just have a sheikh for breakfast.

 

The area in a Nandos between the front and back door is known as the peri-peri-neum.

 

It's been a good week for me, on Monday I met one of my heroes, Craig David, on Tuesday we went for a drink, so I avoided him on Wednesday.

 

Finally got some good news at Weight Watchers this week. My group hadn't been doing very well, but seemingly now we're getting OBEs! 

 

Barristers' wigs should really be called Judge Dreads.

 

With the benefit of hindsight, 'Sexy Fenders' was not a good name for a guitar shop.

 

My biggest weakness? Well, I've always been a bit of a perfectioner.

 

English lesson's - Half price!

 

....and now the results for the Musketeers' football league:

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

4-1

and 4-4.  

 

I used to be into ham radio, but all I could heard was crackling.

 

Private browsing is mostly used for browsing privates.

How To Be . . .

From Loose Parts

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the self-help section was.

She said she couldn't tell me as that would defeat the purpose.

When Dogs Get Carried Away

From Bliss

I just asked the lady in the newsagents for a Double Decker.

She disappeared for ages.

Then she brought me three.

Apple Salesman

From Looks Good On Paper

What do you call someone who sees an Apple store getting robbed?

An iWitness.

Shrimp v Crab Race

From Brain Hole Sky

It is still 9 months until pancake day.

And yet, the shops are already full of flour, milk and eggs.

How ridiculous is that?

Inventory Problems

From Loose Parts

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Email Receipt

From System 32 Comics

[shopping]

Girlfriend: "Babe, I really love these shoes but I left my purse at home"

Me: "How much are they?"

Girlfriend: "£750"

Me: *opens wallet*

Girlfriend: [excited]

Me: "Here's £10. Get a taxi and go and fetch your purse. I'll wait for you here".

Realistic Supermarket

From Faceless

A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the shop.

They gave me another one free of charge.

Bakery

From JimBenton

I was shopping in Tesco the other day and there was a weird looking child running around the place like a lunatic.

So, I said to the bloke standing next to me, "Whoa. That is one ugly kid running around."

He looked at me and snarled, "That is my son."

I baulked and said, "Sorry, mate. I didn't realise you were his dad."

He said, "I'm not. I'm his mother."

Hook

From Faceless

My local golf shop is selling all its stock to stay in business. The putters, drivers and irons are all gone, but they’re not out of the woods yet.

Second Wave Beginnings

 From Speedbump

I'm on fire with the ladies at the moment. I went into six bars yesterday and in all six I was asked for my name and mobile number. Haven't heard from any of them yet though.

2020 Shopping Problem

I can't wait for the non-essential shops to reopen. I've got loads of non-essential shopping that I really don't need to do.