Bear Trap

From Loose Parts

I've ordered some German food over the internet.

The saurkraut has arrived but the wurst is yet to come.

Playbird

From The Argyle Sweater

I thought I spotted a German sausage flying past my window,

but when I looked again I saw that it was just a seabird.

I thought, my eyesight has certainly taken a tern for the wurst.

Measuring Time

From Moderately Confused

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario.

PunFest

1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.

6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.

8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.

10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.

11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore

13. Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band. I stand at the back and ting.

14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

17. I used to have a problem where I couldn't stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I'm over it now. Happy Days.

18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.

Ten pin?

No, permanent.

19. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.

20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.

21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.

22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down

26. Dad: I've just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.

Mum: Is it common?

Dad: It's Not Unusual

27. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.

Twitter Puns 1

My sightseeing trip to places of Greek mythological interest was very short. It was a Minotaur

My mate was arrested for punching some flatbread. He wasn't charged but he did get a wrap on the knuckles

What I thought was a picture of a steam pioneer was in fact a timelord. My wife said "It's not Watt, you know: it's Who, you know?"

I once met an Alien so I asked it why they are green and have weird round heads.

"We come in peas," it replied.

Who knew?

This Kinder egg is empty. No surprise there.

If I told you my crossword had the clue 'Royal Celebration (7)', would Jubilee fit?

I bought a novelty Wombles pepper mill recently.  It was rubbish. Everything is either over-ground or under-ground.

My friend suggested a boating holiday to help with my gambling & stealing addiction. I thought it was worth a punt, so I took it.

Despite people saying it could never be done, I've perfected a beer made from dead weasels. So, ferret ales really can come true.

When my German grandfather was sick he swapped a sea bird for a sausage.

That's when he really took a tern for the wurst.

When buying a yacht it's important to get value for money, so make sure you wait until the sails are on.

The intern we hired to look for defects in fishing nets refuses to wear a rain coat. That intern net explorer won't work with a mac.

What's a pirate's favourite car? A Toyota Yarrrr is.

It's quite hard finding fuel for my new car because it runs on insect urine. Fortunately I live very close to a bee pee garage.

Russell Crowe is showing no remorse after admitting EATING an ex-girlfriend.

In fact he was heard saying he was glad he ate her.