Best Before

From Speedbump

The best before date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

There should be a spoiler alert.

Phonetically Defined 3

From Wrong Hands

Bear House

From The Argyle Sweater

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.

So, he calls emergency services and says, "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator says, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he replied, "But if they were, that would explain the suitcase."

Bearly Together

From After Death Comics

Without a doubt my favourite Robin Williams film is Mrs Fire.

Gift

From GoodBearComics

My girlfriend isn't talking to me.

She said I ruined her 30th birthday.

I'm not sure how.

I didn't even know it was her birthday.

No Means No

From Mark Lynch

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

The Bear Necessities

From Loading Artist

To start a zoo, you need at least two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.

That's the bear minimum.

The Hunt

From Leigh Rubin

What is the most difficult animal to hunt in Africa?

The Polar bear.

Cute

From Liz Climo

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

Safety First

From At Random Comics

Londoners can be really cruel.

I was in a butcher's shop earlier when a woman asked for a Panda Sausage!

Sharing

From Joe Dator

"How would you feel about a threesome?" my wife asked over breakfast this morning.

"Wow, that would be amazing!" I responded surprised.

"Which of my friends would you like me to ask?" she went on, licking her lips seductively.

"How about Rachel and Anna?" I replied.

Restless Sleeper

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Insomnia is awful.

But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

Bonus

From Chucklebros

After seven years of medical training and incredible hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, talent, training and money.

He is a genuinely nice guy and such a brilliant, brilliant vet.

Clear Out

From Liz Climo

An elderly woman is going through some old boxes of clothes.

She picks out one item, turns to her husband of forty years and says "Look dear, I wore this when we first started dating and it still fits."

The husband replies "Yes honey, you've always liked that scarf."

Final Selfie

From Bound and Gagged

My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me.

The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.

Still Full

From Speedbump

Teach a man to fish and he'll be like, "cool, thanks".

Teach a woman to fish and she'll be like, "You're doing it wrong".

Perspective

From Rhymes With Orange

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Is The Pope Catholic?

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

A: Dr Dre

First Trophy

From Liz Climo

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune, but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Everyday Problem

From Liz Climo

Ken Dodd said he wanted to leave a quilt on my floor.

I said "Over my bed, Doddy".