Home Alone

From GoodBearComics

Him: I saw you walking your dogs yesterday.

Her: They’re not my dogs, they’re my sister’s.

Him: Your sisters sure are ugly.

Attention

From OffTheMark

I was recently diagnosed with attention something something.

How Do You Do

From Liz Climo

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle.

Wax Work

From OffTheMark

I just spent ages waxing my car.

I’m still not quite sure how it gets so hairy.

Don’t Bite The Hound That Feeds You

From Bliss

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabradoodle.

From The Gentleman At The Bar

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?”

The dog points to steak in a glass case.

“How many pounds?” asks the butcher.

The dog barks twice.

“Anything else?”

The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times.

So, the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several streets away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

Who's The Good Boy?

From Reality Check

I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Especially as he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

May The Fourth Be With You

From Rhymes With Orange

Her name was Yoda

A showgirl she was.

 

Brian Bilston

Dog Wisdom

From HeyBuddy

My friend and I watched five films on Netflix back-to-back.

Luckily, I was the one facing the tv.

Sharing With Friends

“Excuse me madam, can I smell your pussy?”

“No, of course not.”

“Oh, it must be your feet then.”

Threesome

From Bliss

I bought a mail order bride but I was out when she was delivered so now she’s married to the bloke next door.

Menu Choice

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Andertoons

From Rubes

I’ve just been to a restaurant where they served roast pelican . . .

. . . it was very tasty, but the bill was enormous!

Flight Mode

From The Argyle Sweater

Top Tip

It's pronounced "scone", not "scone".

A Society Grows Great When Old Men Plant Trees Whose Shade They Know They Shall Never Sit In

From Leigh Rubin

If trees produced Wi-Fi we'd be planting them everywhere.

It's a shame they only produce oxygen and store carbon.

Be The Best

From The Bent Pinky by Scott Metzger

I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

1) Never make resolutions

2) Accept that life contains paradoxes

3) Use the binary number system more often

Favourite Gift

From Speedbump

My wife bought me a bread making machine for Christmas.

So far, I've made a baguette, a bloomer and a tiger loaf.

I'm on a roll now.

Pets Playing Games

From OffTheMark

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of dogs and cats.

This phenomenon is known as the many paws.

Dog Air

From Mark Lynch

When I was in the pub, I overheard someone saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a sexist.

I mean, it's not as if she'd ever end up having to reverse it!

Liking It Ruff

From Monster Picnic

I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the duvet.

After a few seconds my wife shouted, "What is up with you, that really stinks!"

It must have been pretty bad; she was downstairs at the time!

Untrained Dog

From Bliss

So, the Movember Moustache was finally shaved off this morning.

I'm so happy . . . my wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck.