Seems Wrong

From Spudtoons

I bought a vegan friend a cookbook as a present.

Unfortunately, he said that he couldn't accept it as it was leather bound and was therefore too heavy for him to lift.

Vegetarian

From Joe Dator

Why did the vegan cross the road?

To tell someone they're a vegan!

Vegetative

From LightRoastComics

People say that if we want to save the planet, we should all be vegan. I say we should all be cannibals. If everyone ate one other person, they would reduce their carbon footprint by 50%. If you really want to make a difference, eat a pilot.

Making Peace

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

PunFest

1. Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

2. Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

3. I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

4. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

5. I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.

6. I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

7. Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.

8. Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

9. Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst.

10. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.

11. I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

12. A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore

13. Just got a job playing triangle in a reggae band. I stand at the back and ting.

14. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

15. My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

16. Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

17. I used to have a problem where I couldn't stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I'm over it now. Happy Days.

18. My wife's working in a bowling alley.

Ten pin?

No, permanent.

19. Police just caught a man stealing 50 helium balloons. They had to let him go.

20. How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.

21. Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.

22. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

23. I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

24. Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

25. When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down

26. Dad: I've just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome.

Mum: Is it common?

Dad: It's Not Unusual

27. My wife asked me if I could please stop singing 'Wonderwall'. I said maybe.

More Gary Delaney Jokes

Jokes about colour blindness make me see red (or possibly green).

If I was Bill Gates' Doctor and he came to me with a health problem I'd just say 'Something has gone wrong' and leave it at that.

Just reading Gardener's World magazine. I'm particularly enjoying the lettuce page.

The boiler broke last night and we had to get a man out. How he got in there in the first place I'll never know.

I have no beef with vegetarians.

What do you call a group of collective nouns?

The surgeon just carried out a lobotomy against my wishes; I've half a mind to complain.

I'm pleased to see that first issue of 'Constipation Monthly' magazine comes with a free ring binder.

I once saw the face of Jesus in some soup, but luckily I woke him up before he drowned.

To be honest I'm not enjoying reading Moby Dick, but I'm determined to finish it even if it kills me.

Just eaten a boil-in-the-bag meal, and I have to say, you could really taste the boils.

Of course, to successfully claim disability benefit these days you have to jump through a lot of hoops.

If a man watches too much por*og*rapy it eventually changes his whole attitude towards sl*gs.

Crompton's Veggie Burger

Eat is Murder

From smbc