AI Café

From Pardon My Planet

I was in a restaurant when a waitress shouted "ANYONE KNOW CPR?"

I said "Yeah I know the whole alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.

Well, everyone except this one guy!

Easy Decision

From Pardon My Planet

Housework is boring, and it is futile.

You make the bed; you do the dishes.

Six months later, you've got to start all over again.

Street Crime

From Pardon My Planet

Took my son out for his first pint last night.

Got him a Heineken.

He didn't like it so I had it.

Got him a Carlsberg.

He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.

Same with the Cider and Guinness.

By the time we got to the whisky I could hardly push the pram.

Proportion

From Pardon My Planet

If someone calls you fat just ignore them.

You're bigger than that.

Name Dropping

From Pardon My Planet

I thought Ariana Grande . . .

. . . was a font style.

Stuck At Work

From Pardon My Planet

How To Avoid Stress At Work:

1. Don't go to work.

Single Blind

From Pardon My Planet

Doctor: "Relax, David. It's just a small surgery, don't panic."

Me: "But my name isn't David?"

Doctor: "I know. I'm David!"

Tip Jar

From Pardon My Planet

Top Tip

If all the toilets in your house are being used and you're desperate for one to be free . . .

. . . try turning off the wifi

Targeted Book

From Pardon My Planet

A guy walks into a bookshop.

Guy: "I'd like to buy a book by Dickens."

Shop Assistant: "Certainly sir, which one?"

Guy: "Charles."

Profile

From Pardon My Planet

I wondered why I was banned from dating sites for paying with Monopoly money.

It turns out that it's not legal Tinder.

Taking Advantage

From Pardon My Planet

I'm sick of women saying that men "only get into relationships for sex".

Not all of us are that shallow.

Some of us want our ironing done too.