Cinch

From Loose Parts

How do you get a snake into Hogwarts?

You tell it to slither in.

White Bread

From Loading Artist

What is a duck’s drug of choice?

Quack

How do you legalize Quack?

You start by passing a bill.

Suicidal Thoughts

From AThirdThing

“Doctor, those pills you gave me are working well but they are making walk like a crab”.

“Oh, that’ll be the side effects”

What I Did In The Summer Holidays

From OffTheMark

Why can keyboards never sleep?

Because they have two shifts.

Octotwister

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

What do humans and octopuses have in common?

Two sets of forearms.

Yakini

From Scott Metzger

What kind of creature do you get when you mix a yak and a lion?

A maney-yak.

Mules

From Andertoons

I divorced my wife because she was too loud in bed.

I could hear her from two houses down the street.

Chat-Up Mishap

From Speedbump

So let me get this straight.

I go to the supermarket and buy some sliced ham wrapped in plastic, a loaf of bread in a plastic bag, 4 pints of milk in a plastic bottle and a plastic bottle of ketchup.

And they won’t give me a plastic bag to carry it home because the plastic bag is bad for the environment?

Caring Community

From Bizarro

Today at the park

Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

Lure

From Buni Comic

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas where tiny

little fish eat all the dead skin.

It cost him £65, but it was a lot cheaper than a cremation.

Home Alone

From GoodBearComics

Him: I saw you walking your dogs yesterday.

Her: They’re not my dogs, they’re my sister’s.

Him: Your sisters sure are ugly.

Attention

From OffTheMark

I was recently diagnosed with attention something something.

Dating Problems - My Eyes Are . . .

From TheArgyleSweater

I went out for a winter walk this morning and found a box of frozen fish on the pavement.

I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus Kippers!

How Do You Do

From Liz Climo

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle.

Now They Just Need To Be Wired In

From Kendra Allenby

I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.

What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.

Three Bucks

From Dogs on the 4th

What do you call a chicken that’s staring at a lettuce?

Chicken Sees A Salad.

Moan

From Jonesy

Why don’t owls like it when it rains?

Because it’s too wet to woo.

Never Satisfied

From Bliss

My sex change operation from male to female went really well.

It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Seems Wrong

From Spudtoons

I bought a vegan friend a cookbook as a present.

Unfortunately, he said that he couldn't accept it as it was leather bound and was therefore too heavy for him to lift.

Snowball Gets Even

From OffTheMark

Pets only like us because they have Stockholm Syndrome.