Dating Problems - My Eyes Are . . .

From TheArgyleSweater

I went out for a winter walk this morning and found a box of frozen fish on the pavement.

I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus Kippers!

How Do You Do

From Liz Climo

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle.

Now They Just Need To Be Wired In

From Kendra Allenby

I've finally saved up enough for solar panels.

What's holding me back is that I can't afford a house.

Three Bucks

From Dogs on the 4th

What do you call a chicken that’s staring at a lettuce?

Chicken Sees A Salad.

Moan

From Jonesy

Why don’t owls like it when it rains?

Because it’s too wet to woo.

Never Satisfied

From Bliss

My sex change operation from male to female went really well.

It was so successful, I'm still trying to reverse out of the hospital car park.

Seems Wrong

From Spudtoons

I bought a vegan friend a cookbook as a present.

Unfortunately, he said that he couldn't accept it as it was leather bound and was therefore too heavy for him to lift.

Snowball Gets Even

From OffTheMark

Pets only like us because they have Stockholm Syndrome.

Burglar

From Jonesy

Who did the dinosaur call when he was being robbed?

The triceracops.

Greg - Party Animal

From Liz Climo

My mate suggested that we go to a fancy dress party as a pheasant and a grouse.

Well, I'm game if he is.

Purr Pressure

From OffTheMark

I don't believe in peer pressure.

Unless my friends do.

Staying Power

At the rate he’s going, King Charles could surpass his mother's record of 15 prime ministers before the end of 2026!

Momma Bird's Café

From Close to Home by John McPherson

What sort of birds stick together?

Vel-crows.

The Call Of The Wild

From Andertoons

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their bum quacks.

While The Cat's Away

From Strange Brew

I Like To Count Backwards On Wednesdays

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's something that I’ve always done,

I start at a thousand and twenty,

and stop at a hundred and one.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

As a hobby it makes me unique,

It's something that gives me an interest in life

And I find it helps break up the week.

 

When I first began counting backwards,

My troubles and woes disappeared,

A friend of mine says he counts sideways,

But he's always been a bit weird.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's good for both spirit and mind,

Someone asked if I’d do it on Thursdays,

Suffice it to say I declined.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

And I hope you now understand why,

If you don't I can't help any further.

I've another appointment - goodbye.

 

John Dredge

Crocodile Smile?

From Andertoons

Did you know King Henry VIII had an insatiable sweet tooth and was particularly fond of honey?

It's why two of his wives were bee-headed.

The Cycle

From Remi Lascault

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He needed a poo.

Plaque Widow

From The Argyle Sweater

My dentist asked me how long it had been since I flossed

I said “you should know that, you were there”.

Fishing

From Ben Chen

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Dad: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Dad: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Dad: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tell if an octopus is a male octopus?”

Son: “No; how?

Dad: “Test tickles.”

Son: “That’s inappropriate.”

Point Of No Return

From Loose Parts

My girlfriend told me that she slept with 5 people before we met.

I usually wouldn’t mind, but I was only 20 minutes late!