Opposites Attract

From Mark Lynch

Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

Fools

From At Random Comics

Today is the perfect day to propose because if they say no, you can just pretend it was a prank.

Also, does anybody want to buy a ring?

Sign Of Trouble

From Bliss

My Wife and I were recommended to try a sperm donor.

So we did, but neither of us liked it.

Next time we're sticking to our regular kebabs.

Be Honest

From Faceless

No man has ever won a game of, "Notice anything different about me?"

Seasons Greetings

From Four Eyes

My wife left me yesterday because she said I was too addicted to football.

I was devastated . . . I'd been with her for 12 seasons.

The Summons

From Anjali Srivastava

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

 

Hey Beautiful

From James Breakwell

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice.

Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget.

Because elephants never forget.

Mentally Prepared

From Loading Artist

I had a first date with a girl last night.

She arrived wearing a green jersey and big white gloves.

The moment I saw her I thought "she's a keeper".

Monster In The Cupboard

From The Odd 1s Out

Husband: If I died, would you date another man?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move into our house?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs?

Wife: Definitely not.

Husband: Is that because they are personal to me?

Wife: No, it's because he is left-handed.

Bearly Together

From After Death Comics

Without a doubt my favourite Robin Williams film is Mrs Fire.

Ghost Couple's Therapy

From Leigh Rubin

The only time my wife stops moaning is when we're having sex!

Creative

From LunarBaboon

My internet was down yesterday, so I chatted with my wife for a bit.

I was amazed to hear that she doesn't work at Woolworths anymore.

Ting

From Anjali Srivastava

Looking very pleased with himself my 7 year old nephew showed me the 'telephone' he had just made from a piece of string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Bedsocks

From It's Just Reese

Me: "I'm full of lust but I can't perform in bed"

Doctor: "Do you struggle with the booze?"

Me: *looks at wife* "The booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic"

New Look

From Speedbump

My wife threatened to leave me because of my addiction to poker.

But I think she's bluffing.

Feminine Side

From Faceless

The missis has just come into the living room wearing a skimpy little nightie, fishnet stockings and high heels.

She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me "what she does best".

I can hardly contain my excitement, I absolutely love shepherd's pie.

Hiding and Finding

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Can someone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks.

In Your House

From smbc

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Britney Spears.

Britney Spears who?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Oops I did It again!

The Sock

From LunarBaboon

It was a very painful day when my mother took me aside and said, "Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted".

What made it worse was when she said, "Your new parents are waiting outside in the car".

Accidental Offence

From Anjali Srivastava

My girlfriend told me she had a dream about me cheating.

It's sweet of her to have dreams about me being happy.