Just Like Gladys

From Leigh Rubin

I said to my mate, "Did you know that 75% of men stick their fingers up their bum whilst in the shower? Do you know what the other 25% do?"

He said, "No, what?"

I said, "You dirty bastard!"

Parents Night Out

From Mother Goose & Grimm (22nd of March 2007)

I was walking along the street and this bloke kept trying to give me a chicken.

I'm thinking that I'm going to make a run for it.

Early Risers

From OffTheMark

[in a US airport]

"You can't take nail clippers on a plane, you might hijack it"

[on a US street]

"Why do you have that machine gun?"

"Hunting"

Buddy, You're A Fowl, Got A Big Scowl

From TheArgyleSweater

I went to a bar last night to watch a Swedish pop duo sing a few songs, but when I arrived everyone else was leaving.

I said to the barmaid, "This is the place where Roxette are performing isn't it?"

She said "It must have been, love, but it's over now".

Egg Whyte

 

From Buni Comic

Traffic Congestion On The Farm

Si si Señor derdigo,

Forti loris inaro,

Demsnot loris demis trux,

Fulov ensen geesen dux.

Cock Of The Farm

A Kansas farmer has a prize rooster he is very proud of. The rooster's quite a stud and sires many fine hens. One day the rooster decides he's tired of hens, and he starts having sex with the ducks and geese. The rooster loves the interspecies intercourse, so he bangs a cat, a dog, he even tries his luck with the sheep.

The farmer watches all of this wearily and warns the rooster, "You'd better slow down, you're gonna screw yourself to death one of these days." 

The rooster's behavior continues for about a month, until one morning when the farmer can't find him anywhere. He eventually finds the rooster in the middle of a field, lying spread eagle on his back, motionless, with buzzards circling in the sky above. The farmer run's to the rooster's side and says, " Dangit! I told you you was gonna screw yo'self to death!"

The rooster opens one eye, looks over at the farmer, points up at the buzzards and says, 
"Shh. They're getting closer."