Steps

From Moderately Confused

Doctor: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Doctor: Yes

Me: No

Feeling Guilty

From Mark Lynch

My ex-girlfriend used to head butt me in the face whenever she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind too much until I found out that she was faking them.

Robot Problems

From Scribbly G

The guy next door spent all his money on a sex change.

Now he hasn't got a sausage.

No Means No

From Mark Lynch

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

Dung Pile Talk

From Joseph Nowak

Our budgerigar got out of its cage a couple of months ago and had sex with our dog.

If anyone is interested, we have a basket of puppies going cheep.

Somebody Needs A Hug

From Wawawiwa Comics

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

Sounds like I'm set to have a spectacular weekend.

Dating A Model

From Jon Adams / Cityclops

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop-dead gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies: "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there."

Bunny Pit

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

Stressful Activity

From Faceless

My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her...

She's beginning to sound just like my wife!

Worst Consequences Of Sex

From Truth Facts

Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Hair Raising Information

From Liniers Cartoon

They say that sex is the best form of exercise there is.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but how is two minutes and fifteen seconds every six months going to shift this beer belly?

Jack The Time Traveller

From Death Bulge

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see whether I would be born.

It's the worst way to find out that I'm adopted.

Ruff Role Play

From Monster Picnic

My wife loves doggy style.

I sit up and beg. She rolls over and plays dead.

Lonely Mantiss

From The Argyle Sweater

I have two mistresses.

One for penetrative sex first thing in the morning, and one fellator.

New Experience

From GobSmackedComic

I'm celibate by choice.

Not my choice; everybody else's.

Buffet Professional

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

I said to my mate "Do you think it's ever ok to have sex with an animal?"

He said "Which animal?"

I said "That's a good enough answer for me".

Age Old Concern

From Andertoons

SEX AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

So, it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street, I don't even have to cross the road!

Taking Care

From ExtraFabulousComics

Sex burns up 350 calories each time.

Please help me, I'm on a diet.

Scientists' Bets

From See Mike Draw

My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs in school.

I said yes, but I was part of the control group.

How Trains Are Made

From Skeleton Claw

"How do you fancy having the best sex you ever dreamed of darling?" I asked the drop dead gorgeous young lady in the pub last night.

She looked at me with utter disdain and said "No I bloody well don't fancy that at all!"

I said "Well, I'm your man then!"