Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

Friday, 13 March 2026

You're Toast Mate


From Buni Comic

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Friday, 16 January 2026

Naked Fridays

From Barely Baked Beans

"Why did you have sex with her?"

"She was lying there naked; what was I supposed to do?"

"The autopsy. You were supposed to perform the autopsy!"

"Don't tell me how to do my job!"

"You are an absolutely terrible vet!"

Tuesday, 2 December 2025

Liking It Ruff

From Monster Picnic

I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the duvet.

After a few seconds my wife shouted, "What is up with you, that really stinks!"

It must have been pretty bad; she was downstairs at the time!

Monday, 31 March 2025

Steps

From Moderately Confused

Doctor: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Doctor: Yes

Me: No

Wednesday, 19 March 2025

Feeling Guilty

From Mark Lynch

My ex-girlfriend used to head butt me in the face whenever she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind too much until I found out that she was faking them.

Tuesday, 11 February 2025

Robot Problems

From Scribbly G

The guy next door spent all his money on a sex change.

Now he hasn't got a sausage.

Thursday, 10 October 2024

No Means No

From Mark Lynch

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

Tuesday, 30 April 2024

Dung Pile Talk

From Joseph Nowak

Our budgerigar got out of its cage a couple of months ago and had sex with our dog.

If anyone is interested, we have a basket of puppies going cheep.

Friday, 29 December 2023

Somebody Needs A Hug

From Wawawiwa Comics

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

Sounds like I'm set to have a spectacular weekend.

Monday, 23 October 2023

Dating A Model

From Jon Adams / Cityclops

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop-dead gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies: "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there."

Friday, 25 August 2023

Bunny Pit


From The Perry Bible Fellowship

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

Thursday, 13 July 2023

Stressful Activity

From Faceless

My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her...

She's beginning to sound just like my wife!

Thursday, 5 January 2023

Hair Raising Information

From Liniers Cartoon

They say that sex is the best form of exercise there is.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but how is two minutes and fifteen seconds every six months going to shift this beer belly?

Monday, 14 November 2022

Jack The Time Traveller

From Death Bulge

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see whether I would be born.

It's the worst way to find out that I'm adopted.

Friday, 4 November 2022

Thursday, 13 October 2022

Wednesday, 2 February 2022

Buffet Professional


I said to my mate "Do you think it's ever ok to have sex with an animal?"

He said "Which animal?"

I said "That's a good enough answer for me".

Monday, 29 November 2021

Age Old Concern


From Andertoons

SEX AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

So, it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street, I don't even have to cross the road!