Schrödinger's Dog

From Tom Gauld

There's one kind of people in this world.

Those who know about Schrödinger, and those who don't.

Deal With The Devil

From New Scientist

There are two typos of people in this world,

those who notice spelling mistakes, and those who don't.

An Octet Of Delaney

The more I learn about Russian dolls, the more I find there is to learn about Russian dolls.

 

Plastic surgeons can now give you a second penis, I'm tempted but worried it might make me a bit too cocky.

 

50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much.

 

There's two typos of people, those who make spelling mistakes and those who don't.

 

My Uncle's a lion tamer, when the bank foreclosed they took nearly everything, but at least he's still got his pride.

 

My Nan's got a dripping tap in her kitchen, which goes to show how much she loves dripping.

 

I've just been to the mobile library and borrowed a Nokia for three weeks.

 

I used to try to make eye contact with people on the tube, but one thing I soon learned about Londoners is they hate you touching their eyes.

Even More Gary Delaney Quotes

I took some lovely pictures at the art gallery today, so if anybody wants to buy a slightly dented Picasso...

 

I've just wiped my bottom, luckily it was backed up earlier.

 

I told my girlfriend we're not going to an eighties fancy dress party, but she remains adamant.

 

When I was mysteriously rejected for a job as a courier I took it very badly.

 

You can tell when you get to Spaghetti Junction because there's a great big fork in the road.

 

Hosted a pub quiz to raise money for research into undiagnosed heart problems. Everything was going really well 'til the sudden death round.

 

There are two types of people, people who get the job done and

 

This new rowing machine really works! We're already bickering  over how much it cost and how long until it gets shoved in the loft.

 

Yodel - Piercing high-pitched wail, usually emitted by someone who's waited in all day for a delivery that didn't arrive.

 

I once went on  an 18-30 holiday but 12 years was just too long.

 

Just watched Edward Scissorhands, I thought it was better than Edward Paperhands but not as good as Edward Stonehands.

 

I tried a bit of nude painting today, it went really well, and now everyone says my front door looks lovely.

 

I've just asked the man from Del Monte who his favourite prog rock band is.

 

Words can't express how good I think my creative writing tutor is.