The water's so hard where we live, the plumbers have to go round in pairs.
Showing posts with label water. Show all posts
Showing posts with label water. Show all posts
Friday, 11 July 2025
Tuesday, 20 May 2025
Wednesday, 31 July 2024
Dream Job
I started my dream job today.
I get my own £200,000 company car and a corner window with a view of the city.
Being a bus driver is a dream come true.
Friday, 15 March 2024
Wednesday, 30 August 2023
Reach and Touch
I've got a friend who was telling me that he was feeling bad because he couldn't pay his water bill.
So, I sent him a get well card.
Thursday, 18 August 2022
Water
A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
"Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another!
St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Monday, 3 January 2022
Seasonal Catering
It's fun watching the newbies in the gym in January as they try to figure out how everything works.
Yesterday, for example, I was most amused to see some fool on the treadmill putting a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
Thursday, 9 September 2021
Friday, 26 February 2021
Thursday, 30 November 2017
Wednesday, 5 April 2017
Tuesday, 31 May 2016
Thursday, 7 April 2016
Quick Quiz
Q. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A. Aye matey.
Q. Where are average things built?
A. In a satisfactory.
Q. How do you know when your diarrhoea is genetic?
A. When it runs in your genes.
Q. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A. Because he neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Q. How do you make holy water?
A. Boil the hell out of it.
Q. When do you know that a tractor is magic?
A. When you see it turn into a field.
Q. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl on the toilet?
A. Because the p is silent.
Monday, 4 January 2016
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
Tuesday, 9 June 2015
Thursday, 27 February 2014
Swish Medicine
Brenda make an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scare me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scare me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path
is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind-shield.
13.. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and then are slapped on our bottoms ... Then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind-shield.
13.. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgement.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and then are slapped on our bottoms ... Then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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