Another Broken Vase

From War and Peas

They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic but so far I’ve made 2 jugs and a vase!

Caring Doctor Boa

From War and Peas

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

Co-worker Complaints

From War and Peas

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet.

But they usually only have 4.

Bikini Body

From War and Peas

My doctor says I should think about getting my stomach stapled.

It's great that at my age he still believes I could be a centrefold.

Never Enough

From War and Peas

I felt a bit greedy when I treated myself to a new boat.

But I couldn't resist, there was a sail on.

Good Time Freddie

From War and Peas

A good romance starts with trust, kindness, and mutual respect...

A bad romance starts with RAH RAH AH AH AH!

How To Cheer Up

From War and Peas

The man who discovered gluten intolerance has died.

The family has requested no flours at the funeral.

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 5

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 4

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 3

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 2

From War and Peas

The Life Of A Teenage Mantis 1

From War and Peas

Climate Change - Pros and Cons

From War and Peas

Doctor: You've been bitten by a radioactive shark

Me: So I'm going to get shark powers right

Doctor: you no longer have legs

Me: Just like a shark.

Another Vase, Another Victory

From War and Peas

I ran over an old lady's cat at the weekend.

I asked her, "Can I replace it?"

She replied, "I don't know, how good are you at catching mice?"

House Entrance

From War and Peas

Please don't forget . . .

. . . the scales get put back one stone tonight.

Animal News

From War and Peas

I like to take the kids to the marsupial enclosure at feeding time in the evening.

I think it's important to spend koala tea time with the children.

Dog Date

From War and Peas

[sign outside butcher shop]: 'POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US'

Me: "Yes, I'm here about the sausage polishing job?"

A Job Is A Job

From War and Peas

Work Hard, Play Hard

From War and Peas

I don't mind going to work.

But this eight hour wait to go back home is just bullshit!

Exhausted

From War and Peas

I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive.

I hope it's not terminal.