Timing Is Everything

From Mark Lynch

Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in five years?”

Me: “I'd say my biggest weakness is not listening properly.”

Above And Beyond

From Work Chronicles

My boss pulled up in his brand new Mercedes today and I couldn't help but admire it

"Nice car", I said as he got out.

Well, he said noticing my admiring looks; "Work hard, put the hours in, and this time next year I'll be able to buy an even better one".

Love Your New Outfit

From C Section Comics

Why is it that when archaeologists find human remains . . .

. . . they're either male or female, but none of the other 700 genders?

Yay, Pizza

From Dilbert

I always get my pizza delivered.

I don't understand why they're putting liver on pizza in the first place.

Shopping Shame

From OffTheMark 

I've been paying £3 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year.

I missed the payment last week and they've just been round and broken my cat's legs.

Diversity

From Will McPhail

I once thought about having a sex change to become a woman.

But in the end I decided that I couldn't afford the pay cut.

Your Horoscope For This Week

Just a heads up.

If you get an email from the Department of Health and Social Care telling you that you shouldn't eat tinned pork and ham because it contains COVID‑19 ignore it; it's just spam.

This quarantine is affecting everyone in the workforce, but it's especially upsetting for men. We're losing £1 for every 79p women are losing.

Dilbert Pay Criteria