Opportunity

From Twonk Comics

A Scotsman, a Welshman and an Irishman enter a bar.

The bartender says, “This doesn’t seem right, where’s the Englishman?”

The Scotsman replies, “He couldn’t make it, he’s still at the World Cup.”

Vraiment Très Drôle

True (?) story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.

The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was wrecked.
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies;
'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...my mate  and I downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's Black Label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

As Good As This Bar Is

“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
 
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
 
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
 
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked,

"Did this actually happen to you?"
 
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
 
 "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times".