Time, The Great Educator

 From Cyanide & Happiness

My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

Exhausted

From War and Peas

I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive.

I hope it's not terminal.

Dedication

Immature Potential Plagiarism Eyebrows

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Enough Is Enough

 

 

Action Stan: The Suicidal Stuntman

From Cyanide & Happiness

Time To End It All

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, do ye hae ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Bugge roff, ye'll no bring it back!'

Making Plans

Cyanide & Happiness

Bizarro Cats

From Bizarro

11 Groaners

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. 
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. 
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. 
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. 
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could help her to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. 
A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70 each! 
Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. 
I thought it was a good Korea move.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. 
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English only.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. 
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. 
I thought to myself, 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. 
To be fair the audience did try to warn him.