Changing Height

From Speedbump

It's another hot day so I've taken all my clothes off and opened all the windows.

I feel so much better; although the other people on the bus don't seem too pleased.

Artistic Zoom

From JimBenton

I don't know the science behind it, but if you're totally naked and you want to feel even more naked all you have to do is put on some shoes.

Bad Dog

From Speedbump

Some girl has stolen my phone and keeps taking naked selfies of herself.

It's getting out of hand, my photos backup file is getting full of them now.

Can someone help me track her down please?

I need to give her the charger before the phone runs out of power.

Beware Bugs Bearing Gifts

From Bizarro

I accidentally sent a picture of me naked to everyone in my address book today.

Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Where To Go For Sheep Videos

From Mark Lynch

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over.

He grabbed a bucket so that he could bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Naked and Waiting

From LunarBaboon

Yesterday it was so cold that I took my kitten into my bed with me.
The poor thing was frozen.
I thought I'd thaw a putty-tat!

Playbird

From The Argyle Sweater

I thought I spotted a German sausage flying past my window,

but when I looked again I saw that it was just a seabird.

I thought, my eyesight has certainly taken a tern for the wurst.

A Modest Post

From Leigh Rubin

I surprised my postman by going to the door completely naked this morning.

I don't know which part shocked him the most, my nudity or the fact that I know where he lives.

Shock Treatment

From Bizarro

From Waynovision

Jim: "I gave the postman a big shock today - I went to the door without any clothes on."

Jack: "Surely he has seen stuff like that before."

Jim: "Yes, but what really surprised him was that I knew where he lived."

Casual Friday

From Mark Lynch

My wife was standing naked looking at herself in the mirror last night and asked, "What would you say is the best thing about me?"

I said "Your sandwiches".

The French Have A Word For That

From The Jenkins

'Gymnasium' is an ancient Greek word meaning 'naked exercise' but try telling that to the receptionist at Fitness First.

Graduation Gowns

From Speedbump

Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?

Health Check

Make People Keep Their Distance From You

A Helping Of Gary Delaney

The other day I was telling my therapist about how I always seem to misjudge situations, and he said to me "Are you going to buy that couch or not?"

I saw someone jump off a tall building today, and it all happened so fast, I barely had time to get my phone out.

I remember sitting in psychology class learning about Pavlov, thinking "Those stupid dogs!" Then the bell went and we all had lunch.

One time an old Gypsy woman asked if I wanted my fortune read and I said 'No, because you shouldn't have to ask me that question'.

The other day a woman described me as a bit of a looker. Well, voyeur is the actual word she used.

This morning I made a Belgian waffle. This afternoon I made a Frenchman talk gibberish.

I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

I was in a fancy lingerie shop; I said, "are these knickers satin?"!  He said, "No, they're new".

It's been a tough week. I got myself a memory foam mattress and now it's trying to blackmail me.

I always worry that when a woman sees me naked for the first time she's going to scream and run out of the park.

I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a man's arm.

Whenever I see a respected actor in panto I always like to shout 'It's beneath you!'

My girlfriend says I'm too suspicious. Well she doesn't say it, but she thinks it.

One time I was in the cinema buying a ticket for Final Destination when I had a premonition it was going to be rubbish. So, I bought a ticket to see another film instead, but then the projectionist accidentally loaded the wrong film, so I ended up watching Final Destination anyway.

It's ironic that to claim disability benefit you have to jump through a lot of hoops.

Duck billed platypus, platypus paid duck.

One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.

A friend of ours loved dancing but was always too broke to come out with us, so one night we all clubbed together, and left him at home.

Prove You're Not A Robot

From Speedbump

Hot Date

From Bizarro

Duck Bath

From Buni Comic

 

Zen Teachings

1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
 
2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
    
3.  No one is listening until you fart.
 
4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
 
5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 
6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
 
8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
10.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.   
 
11.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
 
12.  Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind-shield.
 
13.. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
 
14.  Good judgement comes from bad experience ...  And most of that comes from bad judgement.
 
15.  A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
16.  There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
 
17.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
 
18.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
19.  We are born naked, wet and hungry, and then are slapped on our bottoms ...  Then things just keep getting worse.
 
20.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.