Bored

From Mark Lynch

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

Timing Is Everything

From Mark Lynch

Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in five years?”

Me: “I'd say my biggest weakness is not listening properly.”

Breakthrough

From Mark Lynch

The first house I rented had a ceiling that was only 4 feet above the floor.

I couldn’t stand living there.

Get Together

From Mark Lynch

My wife texted me this morning, she said, “Your great”.

I texted her back, “No, you’re great”.

She’s been happy all day since.

I think I should correct her grammar more often.

Last Item On The Bucket List

From Mark Lynch

My Bucket list:

1. Pail

2. Ice Bucket

3. Mop Bucket

4. Climb Mt. Everest

5. Sandcastle Bucket

6. Car Washing Bucket

Hiatus

From Mark Lynch

Apparently reincarnation is making a comeback.

Opposites Attract

From Mark Lynch

Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?

Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.

Early Departure

From Mark Lynch

Why can't T-Rexes clap their hands?

Because they're extinct.

Pre-Voyage Safety Announcement

From Mark Lynch

The more I get to know people, the more I realise why Noah only let animals onto his ark.

Headless Love

From The Argyle Sweater

From Mark Lynch

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

Runny Eggs

From Mark Lynch

Starting the day with an early morning run is a great way to ensure that your day can't get any worse than it started.

LGBT???

From Mark Lynch

Shopping for antiques won't make you gay . . . but it may make you buy curios.

Dog Air

From Mark Lynch

When I was in the pub, I overheard someone saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a sexist.

I mean, it's not as if she'd ever end up having to reverse it!

Playing Outside

From Mark Lynch

I couldn't get my phone to work in my hotel room the other night, so I went downstairs.

They have reception there!

Penguin Crossing

From Mark Lynch

Lollipop ladies make me cross!

Familiar

From Mark Lynch

I think elephants are over protected.

But that's easy for me to say from my ivory tower.

Water Safety

From Mark Lynch

Just a warning, in case you're thinking of buying a watch from Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim wearing it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

Croc Infested Waters

From Mark Lynch

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear.

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had serious healthy shoes!

Feeling Guilty

From Mark Lynch

My ex-girlfriend used to head butt me in the face whenever she had an orgasm.

I didn't mind too much until I found out that she was faking them.

Marriage Counselling

From Mark Lynch

A man and his wife were out on the golf course.

They've just played the first hole and are walking to the second tee when his wife is hit on the head by a stray golf ball and is knocked unconscious.

The husband panics and rushes into the clubhouse shouting, "Is there a doctor in the house? My wife's been knocked unconscious by a golf ball."

A chap at the bar pipes up, "I'm a doctor. Where has she been hit?"

The husband says, "In between the first and second holes."

"Blimey," says the doctor, "There won't be much room for a plaster."