Hair BnB

From TheArgyleSweater

Yesterday I put a giant map of the world up on the kitchen wall and gave my wife a dart.

I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday next year.

It looks like we're going to be spending three weeks behind the fridge.

Dating Problems - My Eyes Are . . .

From TheArgyleSweater

I went out for a winter walk this morning and found a box of frozen fish on the pavement.

I was going to hand it in to the police, but then decided it was a case of Findus Kippers!

Dangerous Game Hunter

From The Argyle Sweater

I bought a second-hand guitar from Adam Ant.

He quoted he fifty quid, but said for an extra tenner he’d throw in a stand and deliver.

Plaque Widow

From The Argyle Sweater

My dentist asked me how long it had been since I flossed

I said “you should know that, you were there”.

Beaver Bathtime

From The Argyle Sweater

I hate hotel bath towels.

Sometimes, they are so thick and fluffy that I can't even close my suitcase.

Headless Love

From The Argyle Sweater

From Mark Lynch

Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled?

His toga size went from L to XL.

Flight Mode

From The Argyle Sweater

Top Tip

It's pronounced "scone", not "scone".

Troublesome Little Piggy

From The Argyle Sweater

It was early last September

As near as I can remember

While strolling down a lane in tipsy pride

Not a word did I utter

As I lay down in the gutter

And this pig came up and lay there by my side

 

Not a soul was I disturbing

As I lay there by the curbing

When a high toned lady passed I heard her say:

You can tell a man who boozes

By the company he chooses

And the pig got up and slowly walked away

Seating Plan

From The Argyle Sweater

You have to feel sorry for Jesus, not only was he crucified, but it was right at the start of a four day weekend.

Bear House

From The Argyle Sweater

A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.

He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes.

So, he calls emergency services and says, "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?"

"Well," the operator says, "Are they moving?"

"I don't know," he replied, "But if they were, that would explain the suitcase."

Bowl Fight

From The Argyle Sweater

I remember when I knocked out the school bully.

I thought I'd be an instant hero.

But apparently it was "appalling behaviour" for a parent.

The Man With The Flame Retardant Underpants

From The Argyle Sweater

Ok so I am really worried now.

I just showed my GP the rash on my genitals and he seemed pretty uncomfortable like he didn't want to touch it?

He just said make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and walked off with his kids and shopping trolley.

80s Party

From The Argyle Sweater

I met a guy in a bar who was telling me he was a huge star in the 80s.

I didn't believe him, but he was adamant.

Catfish in the Cradle by Herring Chapin

From The Argyle Sweater

I just bought a sweet car online that was previously owned by Neil Diamond.

Inspiration

From The Argyle Sweater

THE JOY OF FROGS

Frogs need kisses like anyone else

Not all of them want to become handsome princes

some prefer a more pond-based lifestyle

What if you turn into a handsome prince and the princess really prefers frogs?

What if you're not that handsome a prince?

Maybe you're more handsome a frog?

Let's face it, chances are if you can get kissed fairly regularly by a princess and remain a frog you've got it made

If she gives you tongues then go for it

Henry Normal

Young Picasso

From The Argyle Sweater

I bought a painting of a policeman today.

I think that it's a Constable.

Playbird

From The Argyle Sweater

I thought I spotted a German sausage flying past my window,

but when I looked again I saw that it was just a seabird.

I thought, my eyesight has certainly taken a tern for the wurst.

Face Lift

From The Argyle Sweater

Aldi are selling reindeer steaks this Christmas.

Not to be outdone, one of their rivals has started selling Lidl Donkey.

D-ogling and Battraction

From The Argyle Sweater

From The Argyle Sweater

We took part in a trivia quiz last night.

We had to name three songs by Meatloaf.

We got Bat Out of Hell, and You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth, but couldn't for the life of us think of another one.

Oh well, I suppose two out of three ain't bad.

Halo Engineer

From The Argyle Sweater