Rose Petal Path

From BerkeleyMews

Just impressed a woman with a bottle of lemonade.

I Schwepped her off her feet.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream

From BerkeleyMews

My wife screamed, "You haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

I was taken aback: what a weird way to start a conversation.

Welcome To Hogwarts

From BerkeleyMews

You come from dust; you will return to dust.

That's why I don't dust.

It could be someone I know.

Beware

From BerkeleyMews

I once took a slightly damaged stuffed dog on the Antiques Roadshow.

The expert said, "This is very rare, do you know what it would fetch if it was in good condition?"

I said, "I dunno, sticks I suppose?"

Petal Path

From BerkeleyMews

I almost caught a bloke in bed with my missus last night, but he dived out the window as I burst into the bedroom.

So I chased him.

"He went that way," said my mate Dave, pointing to next door's garden.

"Cheers mate, and get some clothes on, you'll catch your death!"

Avoiding The Talk

From BerkeleyMews

I had a vasectomy so that my wife wouldn't get pregnant.

But it turns out that all it does is change the colour of your baby's hair.

Business Assessment

 

From BerkeleyMews

There's a strange new trend at the office. People are putting names on food in the fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich called Linda.

Existential Crisis

From BerkeleyMews

Unconditional Love

From BerkeleyMews

Ninja Turtles

From BerkeleyMews

Power

 

From BerkeleyMews

Passing On Skills

From BerkeleyMews

Dog Catcher

 

From BerkeleyMews

New Year's Resolutions

From BerkeleyMews

Quick Warning

 

From BerkeleyMews

 

What Women Want

 

From BerkeleyMews

 

Eskimo Pet

 

From BerkeleyMews

 

Restart

From BerkeleyMews

Relationship Glitches

From BerkeleyMews

From BerkeleyMews

Toy Tales

From BerkeleyMews

From BerkeleyMews