You're Beautiful

I run 15 mins every day.

If I miss a day I run 15 mins more the next day.

This has truly been a game changer for me.

Tomorrow I’m running for 3.5 months!

Cat Burglar

From OffTheMark

I never thought that I'd be the sort of person who'd wake up early in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

Steps

From Moderately Confused

Doctor: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Doctor: Yes

Me: No

Spinning Dogs

From OffTheMark

I didn't make it to the gym today, which makes five years in a row.

Deadly Games

From Wumo

Son: "Can I go on the Xbox?"

Me: "No it's too violent. You should play family games like I used to"

[30 years ago]

Me: "I think the professor was strangled in the library with a rope"

Healthy Food

From Scott Metzger

I broke up with my gym.

We were just not working out.

Hair Raising Information

From Liniers Cartoon

They say that sex is the best form of exercise there is.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but how is two minutes and fifteen seconds every six months going to shift this beer belly?

Revolutionary Diet

From Moderately Confused

A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat.

A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.

Meanwhile a tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don't think so.

Regime

From Reality Check

Which fruit is most like a number?

... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...

Decisions

From Fowl Language Comics

From Rhymes With Orange

Remember when horse-meat ready meals were our biggest worry? Good times.

Cursed Goals

From xkcd

From Pearls Before Swine

Are we purchasing school clothes or more alcohol in August? Just asking for a friend.

Some More Gary Delaney Jokes

I hired a landscape gardener but he said that he couldn't help me because my garden is portrait.

I've just been cast as Oliver Twist, who could ask for more?

Do people who study sports science at university have to do sums on Wednesday afternoons?

I did terribly in the reverse parking on my driving test, but luckily I passed anyway and I haven't looked back since.

Barristers' wigs should really be called Judge Dreads.

I was in a sex shop and saw a dildo that was described as nine inches long and realistic; I asked, "Well which one is it then?"

'Hanging's too good for them' - My mum's extreme views on T-shirts.

A horse goes into a pub. The barman says why the long face? The horse says 'Because this is a Wetherspoons'.

I don't like to eat anything made out of reformed pork, because I think it's cruel to slaughter pigs just after they've got their lives back on track.

School is for loosers.

You say I only eat toast, but I say I get three square meals a day.

Apparently the winner of this year's London Marathon has been running since he was 5 years old, I reckon even I could finish it faster than that.

My granddad went down in history – and on one occasion fingered a girl in geography.

I recently entered a competition to see who's gained the most weight and lost the most hair, obviously it wasn't called that, it was advertised as a 'School Reunion'.

I dented my car recently so I took it down the body shop for repairs, and now it looks lovely but smells of white musk.

Acronyms should just be called A's.

I put on lots of weight so I called weight watchers and told them that it's an emergency, can you send someone round. They say – yes we can, we've got loads of them.

The more I read about confirmation bias, the more I think it might be true.

You're not supposed go swimming less than an hour after eating, and that's why I've never been swimming.

My Doctor said I should get my stomach stapled. I was so flattered that he still thinks I've got it in me to be a Playboy Centrefold.

I'm doing a half marathon! The half I'm doing is the carb loading.

My girlfiend's a cat person.

She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray and disappears for days at a time.

And Serena Williams remains unseeded for another year. I can't help thinking that a bit of lipstick and a push up bra . . .

I'm beached body ready.

I used to leave so many lights on at work that I was named Employee of the Moth.

In the 80s we didn't have noise cancelling headphones, so instead we just used to play blank tapes really loud.

I was watching tv and the announcer said that there was a documentary about the g-spot on the red button – but I couldn't find it.

Gym Revelation

Failing Resolutions

From LunarBaboon

 

Potato Chips

 

From Buni Comic

 

Exercise For The Over 55s

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato sacks.

Once you’re comfortable with this move on to 25lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for a full minute.

(As I write this I have to admit that I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at this level, try putting a potato in each of the sacks.

The Wine Guide to Better Living

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flu Season - Get Ready

To   avoid it...
Eat   right!


Make  sure you get  your daily dose of  fruit   and veggies.



Take  your vitamins  and bump up your vitamin C.



Get  plenty of  exercise because it builds your immune   system.



Walk  for at least an  hour a day,


Go for a   swim,  


Take the  stairs instead of the lift,   etc.  


Wash  your hands  often.  
If  you can't,  keep   a bottle of antibacterial stuff  around.


Get  lots of fresh  air.  
Open  doors &  windows whenever possible.



Try  to eliminate as  much stress  from   your life as you can.



Get  plenty of  rest.  

OR

Take  the doctor's  approach.
Think  about it...  
When  you go for a  flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your  arm with   alcohol...

Why?  

Because   Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...


I  walk to the pub.  (exercise)

I  put lime in my vodka...(fruit)  

Celery in my Bloody Mary  (veggies)

Drink  outdoors on the  patio..(fresh air)

Tell  rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)  

Then I pass out. (rest)

The  way I see  it...


If  you  keep your alcohol levels up,  
Flu   germs  Can't   get you!  
As  my  grandmother always said,
'A  shot in the glass is better than one in  the  arse!'






Live   Well -
Laugh  Often -
Love  Much