Plaque Widow

From The Argyle Sweater

My dentist asked me how long it had been since I flossed

I said “you should know that, you were there”.

Loving Spiders

From Break of Day

For Valentine's Day my wife said she wanted to be wooed so I booked us two tickets on a ghost train.

Sticky Trap

From Safely Endangered

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs!

Spider Goo

From Dogs on the 4th

I recently took my beginner apiarist exams.

I got a B.

Spider Vision

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

It's been three months since I sent my hearing aid away for repair.

I've heard nothing since.

Helpful Spiders

From Little Porpoise

The Helpful Wife

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry, you were going 80.

- Man gives his wife a dirty look -

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken rear light.

Man: Broken rear light? I didn't know about a broken rear light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you have known about that rear light for weeks.

- Man gives his wife a dirty look -

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he is drunk.

Spider Problems

From OffTheMark

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Having Kids

From Speedbump

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

The Advice Arachnid

From Safely Endangered

Nowadays when people die of consumption it's more likely to mean diabetes than TB

Insect Paradise

 

From Bizarro

Marriage Isn't A Word, It's A Sentence

 

From TheArgyleSweater

Spider On A Plane

From Bizarro

Learning Process

11 Groaners

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....

I had a mate who was suicidal. 
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. 
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. 
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. 
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could help her to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. 
A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do."

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70 each! 
Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. 
I thought it was a good Korea move.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. 
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English only.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. 
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. 
I thought to myself, 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. 
To be fair the audience did try to warn him.