Test On Thursday

From The Jenkins

Harry went to his doctor on Thursday to review his test results.

The Doctor told him that he has both good news and bad news.

"The good news is you have 48 hours to live," he said to Harry.

"The bad news is I should have told you on Tuesday."

Spider Vision

From Scott Johnston Cartoons

It's been three months since I sent my hearing aid away for repair.

I've heard nothing since.

(t)Uber Travel

From Reality Check

I passed my driving test even though I kept forgetting to use my rear view mirror and I haven't looked back since.

Super Optician

From Loose Parts

What happens to your eyesight when you have kids?

You get adult super vision.

Interpreting Lateral Flow Tests

From xkcd

I'm glad I learned about oxbow lakes at school rather than how to complete my tax return.

It's come in really handy during this oxbow lake period.

Early DNA Test

From The Argyle Sweater

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "We already knew that, you remember, don't you?

When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had soiled the nappy we'd just put on him. And you said:

'Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here.'"

Tough Pictionary Round

From The Jenkins

The guy at pump 6 next to me put a fiver's worth of petrol in his car.

I thought - where's he going, pump 2?

We Come Seeking Mates

From smbc

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.

I often wonder what she's up to now.

Simple IQ Test

From OffTheMark

When they say "instant credit" don't they actually mean "instant debt"?

Exhausted

From War and Peas

I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive.

I hope it's not terminal.

Flysight Test

From Loose Parts

Trying to break up with an optician is hard. Every time I tell her I can't see her any more, she just moves an inch closer and says "How about now?"

Eye Doctor

From OffTheMark

Naughty or Nice or . . .

From Moderately Confused

From Pat Bagley

I've heard that if you have relatives round on Christmas Day the police can force entry and make them go home. Do you think this is a free service or do you have to book?

Eye Test

From GoatToSelf

COVID-19 Arrangements For Christmas

There will be no nativity this year because:

- the 3 Wise Men face a travel ban

- the shepherds have been furloughed

- the inn keeper has shut under tier 3 regulations and had a slump in bookings.

Santa won't be working as he would break the rule of 6 with Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donner and Blitzen.

As for Rudolph, with that red nose, he should be isolating and taking a test.

John Bishop - Getting On Top Of Coronavirus

Opticians and Masks

From The Jenkins

Ignorance Is Bliss

From Bliss

Do not let supermarket staff take your temperature by scanning your forehead, it actually erases your memory. I went in to Tesco's for lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber and instead came out with chocolate and wine.

Guided By "The Science"

As England's cricketers begin their third test in a month, Matt Hancock is left wondering how they manage to do so many. - HIGNFY

Test Results

I just got my test results back. I'm COVID-19 free – whoo hoo!

So, let me get this straight. There's no cure for a virus that can be killed by hand sanitizer or soap?

The Constant Fighter

From Matt Davies

The reason our country is having so much hot weather is that we have too many thermometers.

If we stopped looking at our thermometers so often we'd have far fewer days over 30°.