Love Birds

From Loading Artist

I ordered a whole duck at the Chinese last night.

It was great until I got to the bill.

Polyglot

From The Far Side

Our first child was conceived during some crafty sex on a DFS sofa.

The baby was born a month late and came with a wonky leg.

Purebre(a)d

From Cyanide & Happiness

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The keeper told me that it was bread in captivity.

Origin Of The Platypus

Lifestyle Change

 

From Matt Diffee

Duck Bath

From Buni Comic

 

Ducks Having Fun

 

 

Hoorah For The Ducks

 

From Bizarro

 

Religious Wars

Donovan Duck

From Cyanide & Happiness

The Farmer's Journey Home

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home...
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

Yay Ducks

Traffic Congestion On The Farm

Si si Señor derdigo,

Forti loris inaro,

Demsnot loris demis trux,

Fulov ensen geesen dux.

Animal Photobombs

Marooned?

A Paddling Of Ducks

This aubergine looks like Jemima



Puddleduck



When Contextual Adverts Go Wrong





This courgette looks like a duck



Far Side 1



This doorknob looks like a duck



The duck?  The dog was attacking ducks.



This grape looks like a duck




Mr. & Mrs. Duck are staying in a posh hotel on their honeymoon.
They've gone to bed together for the first time and are getting very excited when Mrs. Duck realises that in their haste neither of them has brought a condom with them.
So Mr. Duck phones down to reception to order one.
"Certainly Sir", replies the receptionist after listening to Mr. Duck's request, "Would you like me to put in on your bill for you?"
"No I would not", yells back an incensed Mr. Duck, "What do you think I am, some sort of pervert or something?"

This tomato looks like a duck



Far Side 2

An article that's been getting passed around the internet lately is about Anatidaephobia, or the fear of being watched by a duck.
What has made people keep forwarding it is because on the same page is an ad for Aflac.
Get it?
You're reading about fear of being watched by a duck, and there's that omnipresent Aflac duck?
Just about makes you shudder, doesn't it?

The only problem is, anatidaephobia is made up.  By Gary Larson, in fact, in this cartoon: