Took my son out for his first pint last night.
Got him a Heineken.
He didn't like it so I had it.
Got him a Carlsberg.
He didn't like that either, so I had that as well.
Same with the Cider and Guinness.
By the time we got to the whisky I could hardly push the pram.
During the Covid lockdown, if you had family round on Christmas Day, police could force entry to your home and make them go home.
Does anyone know if this service is still available, and if you have to book?
Last night my wife wore a police uniform to bed and said "You're being charged with being good in bed."
90 seconds later the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.
He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"
The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stupid? He doesn't have one eye, the picture is the profile of the man!"
Clearly furious by that answer, he asked the second blonde the same question.
"Oh, well... I'd recognize him because he only has one ear".
The police officer was damn furious and let out a loud sigh before asking the third blonde, and he urged her to at least think through the answer before answering.
"I'd recognize him because he wears contact lenses", she said.
The police officer, somewhat clearly caught off guard by that answer was curious to see if she was right or not. So she called the photographer from the model agency from where the picture was obtained and asked the photographer for the model's phone number.
Surely enough, he called the model and the model confirmed that he was wearing contact lenses when the picture was taken.
"That's amazing!", he told the third blonde. "How in the world did you know that he was wearing contact lenses?"
"Well," said the third blonde, "he can't wear glasses since he only has one eye and one ear".
The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?"
I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
I think he wants a rematch because he's been chasing me ever since.
The perfect crime would be murdering Where's Wally, because the police would never find the body.
I took place in a police identity parade today.
The ones in uniform were the easiest to spot.
I was driving to work a bit lively this morning when I was stopped by a police officer.
He said, "You were going a bit fast sir, what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mister Fog?"
I replied sarcastically, "I would have trod on Mister Brake of course."
He said, "I will repeat the question sir; what would have happened if you had suddenly come across Mist or Fog?"
If a picture really does speak a thousand words . . .
I'm guessing it's a picture of my mother telling me who she briefly bumped into whilst she was shopping.
The Helpful Wife
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry, you were going 80.
- Man gives his wife a dirty look -
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken rear light.
Man: Broken rear light? I didn't know about a broken rear light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you have known about that rear light for weeks.
- Man gives his wife a dirty look -
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he is drunk.
I was in Tesco and saw a bloke from Crimewatch who is wanted for several rapes.
I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious.
But when the police arrived, they arrested me instead of him...
Apparently, they use actors on the show!
A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I need backup here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet!"
I'm watching a brilliant documentary about how police measure motorists' blood alcohol levels.
It's breathtaking.
I used to try to make eye contact with people on the tube, but one thing I soon learned about Londoners is they hate you touching their eyes.
