Best Before

From Speedbump

The best before date printed on food always ruins the surprise,

There should be a spoiler alert.

Volunteer

From Dan Misdea

A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat.

Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered.

After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!

There wasn't a hare on his head.

Til Deaths Do Us Part

From OffTheMark

Why did the rabbit reject her boyfriend's marriage proposal?

Because the ring wasn't 24 carrots

Spinning Dogs

From OffTheMark

I didn't make it to the gym today, which makes five years in a row.

Bunny Pit

From The Perry Bible Fellowship

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

It's The Thought That Counts

 

From Liz Climo

Cop: "We found evidence – a raspberry beret outside the second-hand store"

Forensic Technician: "We better dust it for Prince".

Full Mailbox

From OffTheMark

Clear Out

From Liz Climo

An elderly woman is going through some old boxes of clothes.

She picks out one item, turns to her husband of forty years and says "Look dear, I wore this when we first started dating and it still fits."

The husband replies "Yes honey, you've always liked that scarf."

Revolutionary Diet

From Moderately Confused

A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat.

A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years.

Meanwhile a tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don't think so.

We're Looking For Someone

From JimBenton

"What do we want?"

"The end of religious brainwashing."

"When do we want it?"

"After Christmas."

First Trophy

From Liz Climo

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune, but the chick peas can only hummus one.

Everyday Problem

From Liz Climo

Ken Dodd said he wanted to leave a quilt on my floor.

I said "Over my bed, Doddy".

Bunny Ears

From Sunny Street

Animals At Halloween

From Liz Climo

From Liz Climo

From Liz Climo

Gassy Veg

   

From Imgur

Tripping

What's great about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. I laughed more than I thought.

Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend that she'd drawn her eyebrows on to high.  She seemed surprised.

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

Holiday Food

From Get Fuzzy

Religious Wars

Rabbit Ears

From smbc

Mean Old Farmer Ben

From The Perry Bible Fellowship