Misfit

From Buni Comic

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie.

Perfect Tomato

From Loading Artist

Bob the tomato and Larry the cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," Bob says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me just get it for you."

"This is going to be great, Bob!" gushes Larry.

The bartender serves drinks to the two of them, and sure enough, they both turn human!

"Look at me, Bob!" exclaims Larry the ex-cucumber. "I'm human!"

"That's very nice, Larry," says Bob the ex-tomato, "but do be careful!"

Larry happily prances out the door. He is so excited about being human, he forgets to look both ways before crossing the street, and he is hit by a car and lying in the gutter he turns back into a cucumber.

Bob sees it happening and rushes outside to try to save his friend, but he too forgets to look both ways, is hit by a car, and ends up lying next to Larry as he turns back into a tomato.

The bartender rushes outside and calls an ambulance.

"Are they still alive?" asks the dispatcher.

"They are," says the bartender, "but I'm worried that they will be vegetables for the rest of their lives."

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part.
 
1. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't..

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'Doctor.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.