Caring Community

From Bizarro

Today at the park

Saw a six foot tall pigeon

Now that's a high coo!

While The Cat's Away

From Strange Brew

I Like To Count Backwards On Wednesdays

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's something that I’ve always done,

I start at a thousand and twenty,

and stop at a hundred and one.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

As a hobby it makes me unique,

It's something that gives me an interest in life

And I find it helps break up the week.

 

When I first began counting backwards,

My troubles and woes disappeared,

A friend of mine says he counts sideways,

But he's always been a bit weird.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

It's good for both spirit and mind,

Someone asked if I’d do it on Thursdays,

Suffice it to say I declined.

 

I like to count backwards on Wednesdays,

And I hope you now understand why,

If you don't I can't help any further.

I've another appointment - goodbye.

 

John Dredge

May The Fourth Be With You

From Rhymes With Orange

Her name was Yoda

A showgirl she was.

 

Brian Bilston

Pointless Studying

 From The Jenkins

A limerick:

 

(12 + 144 + 20 + 3√4) / 7 + (5 x 11) = 9² + 0

 

or to put it another way:

 

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more

Balloon Fate

From At Random Comics

THE INFLATABLE BOY

Long ago in an inflatable land

Where the inflatable King and Queen rule

An inflatable boy in the village of Elftown

Went to inflatable school.

 

At 9am on the inflatable dot,

Inflatable lessons begin;

Nobody knew this inflatable boy

Had got an inflatable pin.

 

He kept it concealed in his satchel;

No one there knew of their fate

Till the boy ran amok in the staffroom

And teachers began to deflate.

 

He then stuck his pin in the building;

It was sharp and met little resistance;

Just a hiss at the start, then a deafening fart

As the school flew off into the distance.

 

Inflatable boys with inflatable pins

Know inflatable parents get stroppy;

The inflatable boy turned the pin on himself

And in no time at all he was floppy.

 

He was saved by a man with a bicycle pump

And a puncture repair kit to boot;

And when he came round the next morning,

By his bed was a man in a suit.

 

O dread; the headmaster, half covered in plasters,

Alive but not up to full pressure;

Not enough p.s.i. but pure wrath in his eye,

Filled not with air but displeasure.

 

"Now then, young man," the headmaster began

In the inflatable hospital in Elftown;

"You've let your teachers down,

You've let your school down,

And now you've let yourself down."

Les Barker

Troublesome Little Piggy

From The Argyle Sweater

It was early last September

As near as I can remember

While strolling down a lane in tipsy pride

Not a word did I utter

As I lay down in the gutter

And this pig came up and lay there by my side

 

Not a soul was I disturbing

As I lay there by the curbing

When a high toned lady passed I heard her say:

You can tell a man who boozes

By the company he chooses

And the pig got up and slowly walked away

Arousal Problem

From OffTheMark

Each night she's on the balcony

He loves her from afar

His soft, sad eyes are hypnotised

She shines down like a star.

His heart will break forever

His kind can't have affairs

For Dachshunds with erections...

Can't climb stairs.

 

His home's a humble bungalow

And her's a penthouse flat

He cannot go where she can go

And that, they say. is that.

He never can be near her

Although she knows he cares

For Dachshunds with erections...

Can't climb stairs.

 

You want to win a woman?

Just be cool... be aloof

The dog who doesn't hit the stairs

Can make it to the roof.

The dog who doesn't care

Will be the dog who wins the day

You'll never get to heaven...

With your chopper in the way.

 

The spirit soars, the body falls

And heavy lies the heart

That cries out with the pain of love

Be still my broken part.

How painful is the passion

And painful the repairs

For Dachshunds with erections

Can't climb stairs.

by Les Barker

Life In The Fast Lane

From Bound and Gagged

This was the year that was not the year

I repaired the bathroom tap

or emptied out the kitchen drawer

of a lifetime's worth of crap.

 

This was the year that was not the year

my lottery numbers came up.

Once more a BRIT eluded me,

as did an Oscar and World Cup.

 

This was the year that was not the year

I spent less time on my phone,

Nights of passion were not enjoyed

in a boutique hotel in Rome.

 

This was the year that was not the year

I became a household name.

Action figures weren't sold of me.

I wasn't made a dame.

 

This was the year that was the year

I didn't get that much done:

much the same as the year before,

much like the one to come.

 

by Brian Bilston

Tried and Tested

From Speedbump

The Day My Dog Spontaneously Combusted

 

there he was –

chasing sticks,

doing tricks,

and all that stuff

 

next minute, woof

Brian Bilston

Not For Parents - Or Maybe For All Parents

From JimBenton

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

 

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

 

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

 

This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin

There Was An Old Lady

From Bizarro

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

Inspiration

From The Argyle Sweater

THE JOY OF FROGS

Frogs need kisses like anyone else

Not all of them want to become handsome princes

some prefer a more pond-based lifestyle

What if you turn into a handsome prince and the princess really prefers frogs?

What if you're not that handsome a prince?

Maybe you're more handsome a frog?

Let's face it, chances are if you can get kissed fairly regularly by a princess and remain a frog you've got it made

If she gives you tongues then go for it

Henry Normal

While You Were Sleeping

From Reality Check

A Traditional Family Christmas

It wasn't until that first Christmas with your family
that I realised how we all do it differently,
how every family forges its own traditions, as bright
and distinct as any giant, shining star.

The way you laid out coal sacks instead of stockings;
the recital of a limerick before the opening of each present,
Christopher Lee's heavy metal Christmas album
playing quietly in the background; the pre-breakfast snorkel;

the Dance of the Seven Baubles; the festive epaulettes;
lunch with its ptarmigan fritters in milk sauce,
the suet potatoes, and the sweet and sour popcorn;
the replenishing of glasses with red turkey wine;

sprout-rolling in the park; the posting of a tinsel stick
through Mr Jennings' letterbox; and back for an evening of TV
(some classic episodes of Panorama) and games
(Hoist the Pickle, No Elbows Please!, Speculum) then bed.

The following year you came to my family for Christmas.
You said later that it was weird.

From Brian Bilston

Lest We Forget

Sixteen years old when I went to the war,

To fight for a land fit for heroes,

God on my side, and a gun in my hand,

Chasing my days dawn to zero,

And I marched and I fought and I bled and I died,

And I never did get any older,

But I knew at the time that a year in the line,

Was a long enough life for a soldier.

 

We all volunteered, and we wrote dawn our names,

And we added two years to our ages,

Eager for life and ahead of the game,

Ready for history's pages,

And we brawled and we fought and we whored 'til we stood,

Ten thousand shoulder to shoulder,

A thirst for the Hun, we were food far the gun,

And that's what you are when you're soldiers.

 

I heard my friend cry, and he sank to his knees,

Coughing blood as he screamed for his mother,

And I fell by his side, and that's how we died,

Clinging like kids to each other,

And I lay in the mud and the guts and the blood,

And I wept as his body grew colder,

And I called for my mother and she never came,

Though it wasn't my fault and I wasn't to blame,

The day not half over and ten thousand slain,

And now there's nobody remembers our names,

And that's how it is for a soldier.

Bad Job Prospects

From See Mike Draw

A Short Poem for #StarWarsDay

 

Her name was Yoda,

A showgirl she was.

From Brian Bilston

Pet Cemetery

From Yaffle by Jeffrey Caulfield and Brian Ponshock

This Be The Curse

 

They muck you up, these stuck-up cats.

You may not think so but it's true.

They come and sit upon your lap

When there are other things to do.

 

You wait upon them, hand and foot,

And in return get fleas and lice,

Their hairs collect upon your suit,

They bring you chewed-up heads of mice.

 

Cats hand on misery to man.

It gathers in the litter tray.

So get up quickly while you can

Before the cat climbs back to stay.

If (Eton College version)

If you can keep your job when all around you

Lies ravaged from what it is you've done;

If intellect and common sense confound you

And if integrity you have but none;

If you can lie and not be tired by lying,

And pretend you act for the public good,

But then leave the people to their dying

And say you did, sadly, all you could:

If you can dream - of nothing more than power;

If you can think - but only of yourself;

If you believe this country's finest hour

Is when the chosen few can gain more wealth;

If you can flout the law with bluff and bluster

And not care whether you are believed,

Or deny with scorn every single blunder

And not care how many you may deceive:

If you can stir up hatred, fear and violence

To create division to suit your ends;

And answer cries for help with silence,

And then laugh about it with your friends:

If you can stretch this country to its limit

Or until it is you've had your fun,

Yours is this land and everything that's in it,

And - as you wished - you'll be PM, Johnson.

Brian Bilston

From Brian Bilston

Fixtures

I'd love nothing more than to go outside

and commune with Mother Nature.

But what can I do? It's out of my hands:

Czech Republic are playing Croatia.

 

Yes, I know that the work is piling up.

Bring it on! Couldn't be happier!

Just ten minutes more (plus time added on)

of Poland versus Slovakia.

 

Sorry that I'll miss Gran's party today.

I do hope you'll save me some cake.

It's just the Swiss are taking on Turkey

and there's an awful lot at stake.

 

Sometimes I hear life as it goes on outside

and I couldn't feel any lonelier.

But then I remember, it's the big game today:

Ukraine - North Macedonia.

 

Brian Bilston

Photobomb

From Bizarro

My wife said

nothing rhymes with orange

but before despair could befall her

I corrected Angela

or Ange

as I call her

by Henry Normal

A Further Course Of Gary Delaney

I was never a fan of being an organ donor, but then I had a change of heart.

 

The hardest part of a traditional Greek divorce is gluing all the plates back together.

 

When I heard the ferry carrying the transplant organs had capsized my heart sank.

 

Dolphins who die without any money are given a porpoise funeral.

 

My house is haunted by the ghost of Britain's first ever dental hygienist.  English Heritage keep putting up plaques in her honour, and then every six months she removes them.

 

My cousin always introduces himself as Stephen with a ph; and that's because he's slightly acidic.

 

If you think kale and Açai berries are superfoods then you're going to lose your shit when you try ice cream.

 

Sure everyone cares about straws killing dolphins now, but they've been breaking camels' backs for years.

 

My older brother once threatened to fart on my head, but I didn't expect him to follow through.

 

I've a friend whose surname is Death, although technically it's pronounced Deàth, as it has a grave accent.

 

Opening up Google and forgetting what you wanted to look up is the new walking into a room and forgetting what you went in for.

 

A man has been found guilty of overusing commas, the judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

 

I think Tom Cruise could have made a lot more films if he wasn't constantly getting caricatures of his face done in Leicester Square.

 

First, they came for the mimes, and I said nothing because I was a mime.

 

When they buried the man who invented Tetris the whole cemetery disappeared.

 

One time I persuaded my kid brother to swallow a torch. It was worth it just to see his little face light up.

 

According to the vet my cat's in heat. I didn't even know she was famous.

 

I'm not saying I'm unlucky but when I went to DFS to buy a sofa, the sale had finished.

 

There was an old man,

from Limerick who wanted,

to be a haiku.