Opportunity

From Portuguese Geese

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians.

Everyone.

Out Of Nowhere

 

From See Mike Draw

What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their luggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

Daddy's Home

From Bizarro

If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows crashed.

Oh, wait . . . he does!

Feminine Side

From Faceless

The missis has just come into the living room wearing a skimpy little nightie, fishnet stockings and high heels.

She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me "what she does best".

I can hardly contain my excitement, I absolutely love shepherd's pie.

Aeroplane

From Cyanide & Happiness

I've designed an aeroplane made entirely from rubber, so if it crashed, it would bounce.

It's a boing 747

Danger Sign

From The Jenkins

I heard they’re making an air freshener that is controlled by your mind.

I know it sounds crazy but it makes scents when you think about it.

Unfaithful

From Reality Check

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse...   "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess." I replied.

Dashboard

From Dogs on the 4th

I let a pasta chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty.

Emergency Pilot

From Faceless

Head On

From Buni Comic

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

From Bizarro

Knocked Down

From Teddy Tietz

From Teddy Tietz

Apple-y Christmas