Dog Air

From Mark Lynch

When I was in the pub, I overheard someone saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a sexist.

I mean, it's not as if she'd ever end up having to reverse it!

Airline Luggage

From Close to Home by John McPherson

Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport.

Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly!

Airport Lounges Are More Comfortable Than Planes

From The Jenkins

I went to buy an aeroplane today.

The sales assistant asked me if I wanted to keep the hangar!

Aeroplane

From Cyanide & Happiness

I've designed an aeroplane made entirely from rubber, so if it crashed, it would bounce.

It's a boing 747

The Ballad Of Railroad Man

From Cyanide & Happiness

Standard Operating Procedure

From Christopher Weyant

Have you been hit by a rhythm stick and it wasn't your fault?

You may be entitled to obtain compensation from an Ian Dury claim.

Bumper Sticker

Emergency Pilot

From Faceless

Identification Chart

From xkcd

Celtish Capers

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
'Aye, it's all going like magic,' says Jock.

'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...'

Archie nods approvingly.

'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.

'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartin?'

'Ach,' says Jock, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'

--oOo--

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"

--oOo--

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, "I'M A LIGHT BULB! .. I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

--oOo--

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says, "You know what I want, don't you?

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole 'friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

--oOo--

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

--oOo--

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said, "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

--oOo--

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--oOo--

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

--oOo--

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat . . . And nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip twit.

Airline Terrorism

 

From Bizarro

High Stress

 

From TheArgyleSweater

 

Ducks Having Fun

 

 

Brace Brace

 

 

 

 

Flight Gripe Sheets

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget.

Ideas Than Need To Happen

 

 

Seat Selection

From xkcd