The Facebook Model

From smbc

My first wife left me because of my obsession with clickbait and you won't believe what happened next.

Carrot Juice

From Buni Comic

As a man is walking his pet carrot it gets hit by a car.

After rushing to the hospital, the man paces the waiting room until the doctor comes out exhausted from surgery.

"Doctor, is my carrot alive, is it ok?"

The doctor sighs. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your pet carrot is alive".

The man breathes a sigh of relief. "What's the bad news doctor?"

The doctor looks him in the eyes and says, "Well I'm sorry but it's going be a vegetable for the rest of its life."

Inventory Problems

From Loose Parts

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Scientists' Bets

From See Mike Draw

My wife asked me if I experimented with sex and drugs in school.

I said yes, but I was part of the control group.

Another Helping Of Gary Delaney

I think my motto would be 'Je ne regrette rien, although I don't know what that means as I mucked about in French lessons, and I wish I hadn't now.

 

My 13 year old nephew's already started taking heroin. It's amazing isn't it? They shoot up so fast these days.

 

One time I almost had a threesome with my girlfriend and my best friend. The only thing that stopped it happening was that they didn't invite me.

 

We called our fourth child Ivy, because we ran out of names and started using roman numerals.

 

I've just seen an actor tread on a centipede. I bet he's going to have a great show.

 

Just sat my A levels again naked. Living the dream!

 

"I rang you but I couldn't get through"

"What number did you call me on?"

"X, IV, X, C, I, III, L, M, X, VII"

"Sorry, that's an old number"

 

My Mum doesn't trust my Dad's secretary. I asked her why, and she just said 'I've seen her type before'

 

My girlfriend's a cat person. She's got fishy breath, shits in a tray and disappears for days at a time.

 

I've just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. I hope he likes them.

 

I asked my vet, "What can I do? I think my dog's racist. He keeps barking at the Asian man nest door.", The vet said, "muzzle him". I replied, "I don't know, but he's got a beard".

 

One night I wished a diabetic friend sweet dreams and they ended up in a coma.

 

When my girlfriend suggested we play 'Doctors and Nurses' I was hoping for something sexier than just being left in a corridor for two days.

 

People have told me that a salt and pepper beard looks good on me, but I'm not very good at accepting condiments.

 

The word Legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to prove you're the rightful king, to unexpectedly returning with crisps

 

I met a man who reminded me of my Dad: he came up to me and said 'Don't forget your Dad'.

 

When I rang up Gamblers Anonymous for help with my fruit machine addiction they asked if I wanted to hold.

80085

From Dogs on the 4th

I was with a gorgeous girl in the pub last night.

As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realised, I'd drugged the wrong glass.

Addiction

From Buni Comic

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

Vaccine Development

From Matt Reuter

Gateway Drug

From LightRoastComics

A Century Of Progress

From Wrong Hands

Yet More Gary Delaney Jokes

Apparently there are fog patches on the M6. I can only presume it is trying to give up fog.

I was thrown out of my cloning exam for copying the kid next to me.

If you do what you love you'll never work a day in your life, especially if what you love is heroin.

Roses are loud,

Violets are sweet,

I've got synaesthesia,

Also I'm not very good at rhymes.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a person? - SAD Research Centre.

Cleopatra's Needle. Good point, well made.

I can only imagine the confusion when Slash has to give someone his website address.

The other day I was comparing pictures of a young and old Michael Jackson and I was struck by lightening.

I was struck by lightning the other day. I was walking down the road and I thought 'Lightning really is remarkable'.

People have said I'm unimaginative, but I say to them, no you're unimaginative.

Matchmaking is hard. I texted my dyslexic friend asking if she fancied Alan and she got all upset for some reason.

When it comes to understanding similes I'm like a fish out of Marillion.

This diet was hard at first but now I'm really starting to find my feet.

Glaswegian pet shop: 'I'm looking for something pretty that flies' 'Parakeets?' 'Well I'm not sure it's windy enough, but I'll take one'.

Santa gave her what she wished for, a donor heart and a perfect match! She rang her twin sister to share the news. No answer.

I tried to read a book on how to be a more imaginative lover but I couldn't get past the opening passage.

Disappointed in the giant advent calendar at the end of my road. None of the 25 doors contain chocolate at all, just scared looking families.

A vase is really just a hospice for flowers.

To be honest I didn't really understand 'The Emperor's New Clothes' but everyone else did, so I said I did too.

I've got a Welsh friend who says he always trusts his gaydar, and also his mom who's heterosexual.

Drug Development

From xkcd

Tripping

What's great about living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.

Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. I laughed more than I thought.

Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I've seen in a long time.

I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I've got some leads.

Did you know that owls can't breed in the rain? It's too wet to woo.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.  I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend that she'd drawn her eyebrows on to high.  She seemed surprised.

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

Stronger, Faster, Higher

From Teddy Tietz

Party Store

From Bizarro

The Armstrong Family

It's Not About The Drugs