Allergy Warning

From Looks Good On Paper

Soylent Green is just the brand name.

You can make it at home with your friends and family.

Hazard Ahead

From Looks Good On Paper

Q: Where do you weigh a pie?

A: Somewhere over the rainbow!

Contents Warning

From Looks Good On Paper

I've had testicles all my life so now I'm ready for real icles.

Assteroid

From Looks Good On Paper

A man on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

New Killer On The Block

From Looks Good On Paper

I watched the Bad Habits final at the Olympics earlier today.

It was nail-biting!

Santapede

From Looks Good On Paper

Just 2 more sleeps until blokes start shopping for that perfect gift.

Unexpected Benefit

From Looks Good On Paper

Just got a new job collecting litter.

When I asked about training, they said "You'll pick it up as you go along. "

Super New Clothes

From Looks Good On Paper

I placed an order on Deliveroo and it said my meal would take an hour.

So, I've just ordered some bread and olives from them while I wait.

Green Eggs and Spam

From Looks Good On Paper

What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?

They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.

Labradoodle

From Looks Good On Paper

The man who cross breeds labradors and poodles will be adequate for the job at hand.

Or to put it another way:

The labradoodle dude'll do.

Why There Is No Proof Of Aliens Even Though Everyone Carries Around A Camera On Their Phone

From Looks Good On Paper

Why don't aliens spend their holidays on Earth?

Because our solar system only has one star.

Apple Salesman

From Looks Good On Paper

What do you call someone who sees an Apple store getting robbed?

An iWitness.

Turning Back Time

From Looks Good On Paper

A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom on the last Saturday night of October and sees her 90 year old husband.

He has a can of black spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions.

She stops and yells, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!"