Prevention Is Better Than Cure

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, "Even at your age, you really seem to be enjoying that; is this your favourite time of year"?

He said, "I still love Easter, baby"!

Unwelcome Gift

From OffTheMark

I got a Travelodge advent calendar this year.

All the chocolate is still in it though as you can't get the windows open.

Skull And Cross Buns

From GoatToSelf

I'm not saying my New Year resolutions aren't going very well but I've just finished all my Easter eggs.

Diet Advice

From Mark Lynch

They say that every piece of chocolate that you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes.

I've done the maths.

Apparently, I died in 1977.

Valentine's Day Chocolates

 

From JimBenton

FACT: Saint Valentine was an early Christian martyr who was stoned to death for selling criminally overpriced flowers and chocolates.

Missing Chocolate

From Jonesy

"My mate has a Quality Street chocolate stuck in his windpipe."

"The purple one?"

"Yes, that's him."

What Red Wine Tastes Like

From Truth Facts

A bloke got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend," she replied, "because guys like you always seem to have girlfriends in my experience?"

"No, sadly not," he assured her. "We broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that," she said." Go on then, I'll have a white wine, please."

Well, after a few more drinks and a bit of a kiss and a cuddle, they headed off back to her place and made mad, passionate love for the next few hours.

Then, while he was putting his clothes back on, she said, "You're good looking, you seem to be a genuinely nice guy, and you're absolutely amazing in bed. So can I ask you why on earth you split up with your girlfriend?

"He took a deep breath and said, "My wife found out about her."

Treats

From JimBenton

Customer: I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.

Me: Sorry, we only take cash.

Manager: Can I talk to you?

Chocolate Box

From Reality Check

My Valentine's Day Plans

1. Breakfast in bed

2. Chocolates

3. Watch a romantic film

4. Dinner for two

5. Regret eating two dinners

When Dogs Get Carried Away

From Bliss

I just asked the lady in the newsagents for a Double Decker.

She disappeared for ages.

Then she brought me three.

Hot Chocolate

How did the hipster burn his mouth from hot chocolate?

He drank it before it was cool.

Flat Pack

A potato wrapped in tin foil makes an ideal Easter Egg for a vegan.

The Chocolate

From JimBenton

Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

Pyramid Pie

A mummy covered in nuts and chocolate has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.

Dinner Date

From Buni Comic

I really upset my wife this morning.

As an April Fool's joke, I took all her favourite chocolates and swapped all the wrappers over.

She was livid; she really got her snickers in a twist.

Countdown

From Matt

Q: What have hairdressers, gyms and the tub of Quality Street in your mum's kitchen cupboard got in common?

A: None of them are allowed to be opened until December.

Full Size

From JimBenton

Delicious Chocolates

From LunarBaboon

Raising Money For Schools

From Dilbert

Chocolate Money

From Buni Comic